Have you ever been in love?

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you ever been in love?
I was 'in love' with the idea of 'love'
The idea that someone might 'love' me.
It was a selfish love where 'me' was the only equation.
The feelings were my drug. The euphoria, the sense of being love.
It was an addictive high that I couldn't kick.
In all situations good bad and down right ugly 'love' kept me there.
Every woman has that one 'love' story.

My self worth was in love, being loved.
When I look back I wonder how I could place my importance in the hands of human beings!

You see the downside to this so call 'love' was the aftermath.
Now the aftermath was even more destructive
The sense of being wronged, the burning anger, the hate and every self righteous feeling that came with being the 'wronged woman'. It was a powerfully drug. A roller coaster. One minute your crying the next minute you are in enraged vowing vengeance.
Unlike love this emotion was hard, dark an endless pit of swirling emotions
I couldn't handle it and it would have destroyed me if I had allowed it. It would have changed me from the careful, got my cards tight to my chest, focused women into something I didn't recognise. And for a minute it did. But I reeled it in. Dealt with it and closed that door.


Love I used to find myself looking for you in music,
Those rom com and racy romance novels. I was obsessed
All I would ever think about was what it would be like in a relationship
Feeling that love. Feeling consumed once again.
I would day dream and imagine things. I lived in my head
Until one day I got tired of feeling unwanted.
I got tired of feeling unfulfilled by 'love' 'like' 'attraction' , you name it.
I just got tired of all of it.

I wanted to know me.
I wanted to be unconsumed by 'love'
I found real love in myself.
I am learning that you need to love yourself before anyone can love you

Some Africans and relationships

Hello everybody it has been forever , I know. These posts take a lot out of me and sometimes I need to think for a long time before I put anything that makes sense together.

Today is an observation post. Yes and as the title suggests it is about relationships and some African people. As I was happily scrolling down my Facebook news feed  ( as you do everyday) I saw an interesting  status that made me think 'yes finally a woman that gets me'. This is what it said:

Men must realize that when his woman stays with him after he has cheated on her,lied to her, disrespected her, used her and hurts her over and over and over again ..... She is not LOYAL she is WEAK and doesn't know her WORTH. Maybe STUPID because there is a very thin line between being patient and stupidity.

I agree with this statement. This status was actually an extract taken from a post shared by Kevin Hart. If you would like to read the whole article just Google Kevin Hart Loyal woman.

Now the interesting part of this young lady's status were the comments mostly by women. I was shocked, disgusted and sad for some of the women. One thing became apparent to me. A lot of women would rather stay in a relationship filled with unhappiness rather than risk being labelled. I won't forget better the 'devil you know' than the one you don't know. They know or feel that if they left the dead beat they are with they would eventually fall for the same lines and end up with another sweet talking liar. So to protect themselves from being labeled or the fear of being man less,  they stay and work on non existent abusive relationships.
 My response was WTF. Are men simply expected to be devils and do you wrong and why is this acceptable?

One thing I have observed especially in African relationships is the amount of tolerance a woman is expected to have. And it irks me. It doesn't sit well with me at all. It makes me want to speak out and shake things up. People never talk about this, but why is a woman expected to stay with a no good user, who abuses you emotionally, cheats on you giving you God knows what disease and fathers children left right and center. How can this be acceptable and normal?

I've also noticed how men want to control everything. From what you wear, how you behave and your opinion and the funny thing is they implement this control using other women. Women against women.  Yes I said it and it is my truth. You are supposed to keep your 'Feminist, Non -conformist' opinions to yourself or you get labeled as a man hating, man bashing woman with a big mouth. I'm talking from a general 'African' point of view. Yes no body is perfect and genuine mistakes can be made. However when a man or a woman keeps cheating on you or has another partner behind your back it is time to leave. I once asked an older lady why women stayed in such relationships and she said two things. 'Where would the woman go?' and 'When your old you need someone around?'. I won't pretend to understand this because I my brain can't comprehend such an opinion. That's why this post is an observation. Are we really expected to stay and tolerate such? As it stands my opinion on African men is not a very positive one because I just think they lie too much and don't compromise. As for the women , they need to open their eyes. Stop tolerating rubbish and start living the lives they want. By turning a blind eye we are making infidelity an acceptable social norm.

Please people woman wake up and respect yourself. Now this is where my opinion ( as if it hasn't been obvious through out this observation) comes in. The change has to be with us. When I finally get married and have sons and daughters it will be me and the lucky man ( future mr Tiwi) who have to be an example to our kids and teach them to value women and men. To value relationships and respect the person they are with. If know you don't want to be with someone anymore. Leave them and continue with whatever it is you are getting up to. Be honest. Most Africans are religious. Now if you are a so called Christian and you do your partner wrong 1 million times knowingly and consensual then you need to seriously check your faith. We need to stop labeling women who leave such abusive relationships. I personally think it's sick to expect a human being to stay in such dysfunction. Another thing is women need to get strong. Stop being scared of what 'THEY' will say. Will THEY  be there when your dealing with STDs ? Will they hold you while you cry because he cheated again ? or will they be then when he decides to leave you? Stop putting yourself in these situations. Be selfish in such situations. Love yourself and leave.People need to stop living in delusion and start taking ownership and responsibility for their own lives.

In conclusion. I strongly believe it's time women did a self evaluation. We need to go back to the drawing board because this accepting all the bull,  is not working. We need to stop labeling women who say enough is enough and are strong enough to leave such situations and we need to start being supportive rather than destructive. Being strong is not staying in that relationship and hoping the man or woman will change. Real strength is being honest with yourself, picking up your load and leaving.

At the end of the day this is my opinion. What do you guys think?

Tiwi