.jpg)
Hello my good people
Sometime ago I wrote about African ideologies of dating and marriage. I was making this a part 2 but I felt simply calling it that was mehh...boring. I wanted to look at house chores and cooking in an African relationship
Warning: I have very strong opinions on this so be ready. I am trying to understand the existing African psyche from things I have read and things I see around me.
As an African woman I feel there are many things that put us under pressure. According to the message I feel we get out there :You are supposed to embody your traditional roles by this I mean , 'Children, kitchen and home' while perusing a demanding career, looking like Beyonce/ doing your Naomi Campbell walk and staying fit. Oh and you are supposed to take care of your husband as well.
Cooking and house chores.
To get the ball rolling. I thought I should share this bit of nonsense I read somewhere :Many ladies now dislike cooking and home chores just because they had been totally brainwashed by movies showcasing men playing the role of women in a family, and due to excessive exposure to modern media that promotes gender-equality in a destructive way that’s aimed at destroying the unique African family setting that made our previous African marriages everlasting and envious to the westerns. Now, with this attitude, how do you expect a Zambian man to desire to marry when he knows he is only buying more headache and trouble than helper for himself
Can someone please explain to me how needing help and support equates being brain washed?
I have several questions and thoughts based on this statement. Is this how men really see us? Let me be more specific is this how African men see us women?Are we simply ' helpers' to make the man's life more simple and easy?
Can someone please explain to me how needing help and support equates being brain washed?
I have several questions and thoughts based on this statement. Is this how men really see us? Let me be more specific is this how African men see us women?Are we simply ' helpers' to make the man's life more simple and easy?
I have heard so many opinions on this cooking and housework issue. My aunt told me a story about how some African men come to this country ( the UK) and expect things to be the same as back home. Imagine this scenario :
You are married to a man that was a manger in your home country. Now you move abroad (the UK). You work as a carer in a nursing home. You have 4 kids with your husband. He refuses to get a job because they won't hire him as a manager. So he sits at home reading the newspaper and watching TV. In the morning you come home from a 12 hour shift, you get the kids up from bed feed and bath them , then you walk your kids to school. You come back , make breakfast for your husband. At 3 you wake up from your sleep to pick your kids from school then you come home to cook and at 6 you head of to work again. All your husband does is take your money and demand his breakfast and dinner.
Frankly when my aunt told me this story I wanted to get my hands on the man and beat him. This story is not unique. I always hear all kinds of shocking things about people's marriages ( being over 20 sucks sometimes because people start sharing their weird stories with you). The things I've heard, apparently some of the women aren't taking it anymore and have started to "rebel" and be "disrespectful".
My culture ( I dunno about yours) teaches girls that they should take care of their husbands like it's their first born child. You are expected to do everything for the man. And this is one of the reasons I have sworn off marrying a man from 'my country' or a man that thinks like this because I know a marriage with such a person would become very unbearable for him because I'd go crazy therefore he would be following me straight to crazyland.
It seems ( from the things I've heard) to qualify as wife/ girl friend material you have to cook for the man. Your place is the kitchen and you must be equipped in the knowledge and power that is cooking and being a cleaner. I have heard and read a lot about this. For instance if you don't cook then your man will cheat on you and leave you for some other woman. Cooking ensures that your man will remain at home with you? Please read this twice because when I heard it I had to bite my tongue.( I think I drew blood). Cooking will ensure that you keep your man at home. I am sorry but if you marry someone solely for their domestic skills there is something not right with you. Yes I have said it. According to the domestic critics you need to throw down in the kitchen or Mr man is gone. I say bye bye to that type of man. Is learning how to cook and sharing the load such a big problem? Is it the end of the world?
You are married to a man that was a manger in your home country. Now you move abroad (the UK). You work as a carer in a nursing home. You have 4 kids with your husband. He refuses to get a job because they won't hire him as a manager. So he sits at home reading the newspaper and watching TV. In the morning you come home from a 12 hour shift, you get the kids up from bed feed and bath them , then you walk your kids to school. You come back , make breakfast for your husband. At 3 you wake up from your sleep to pick your kids from school then you come home to cook and at 6 you head of to work again. All your husband does is take your money and demand his breakfast and dinner.
Frankly when my aunt told me this story I wanted to get my hands on the man and beat him. This story is not unique. I always hear all kinds of shocking things about people's marriages ( being over 20 sucks sometimes because people start sharing their weird stories with you). The things I've heard, apparently some of the women aren't taking it anymore and have started to "rebel" and be "disrespectful".
My culture ( I dunno about yours) teaches girls that they should take care of their husbands like it's their first born child. You are expected to do everything for the man. And this is one of the reasons I have sworn off marrying a man from 'my country' or a man that thinks like this because I know a marriage with such a person would become very unbearable for him because I'd go crazy therefore he would be following me straight to crazyland.
It seems ( from the things I've heard) to qualify as wife/ girl friend material you have to cook for the man. Your place is the kitchen and you must be equipped in the knowledge and power that is cooking and being a cleaner. I have heard and read a lot about this. For instance if you don't cook then your man will cheat on you and leave you for some other woman. Cooking ensures that your man will remain at home with you? Please read this twice because when I heard it I had to bite my tongue.( I think I drew blood). Cooking will ensure that you keep your man at home. I am sorry but if you marry someone solely for their domestic skills there is something not right with you. Yes I have said it. According to the domestic critics you need to throw down in the kitchen or Mr man is gone. I say bye bye to that type of man. Is learning how to cook and sharing the load such a big problem? Is it the end of the world?
I think cooking and house chores in general need to be shared between everyone in the household? Yes including the man! Why? because I work and you work. I am not superwoman with extra powers.I am just as tired as you and I am sorry if you think women are superwoman / machine lady but that's how it should be.
Women work just as hard as their male counterparts so why at the end of a long day should cooking cause such an uproar. I'm not saying have a rota that has a precise breakdown on whose turn it is to cook. I am saying at least help out sometimes. Offer to cook something at least twice a week or something along those lines. Offer to clean up without it becoming an issue of 'you never help me with anything'. I for one love cooking and running a home but I want my future husband to be involved in everything so that my sons can learn to be considerate and not cause some poor woman's daughter a headache in the future. And so that they can respect the work and time that goes into cooking and keeping a home. I believe it will bring our home closer together as a family. I don't believe in going with the so called 'roles' society gives us. You are a part of society therefore you can make the rules work for you and not against you! It is called being considerate. Someone is tired or your both tired offering to help out will not kill you. I gave you this one for free.I think sometimes men think we mean that they should do everything and we should fold our arms and channel surf until we find a good episode of hoarders or how do I look to watch.Helping out is a way of showing you care. Even if I was a housewife ( God forbid) keeping a house and kids entertained is still a full time job which I am not getting paid for. I would expect a helping hand without complaining or whining. It really isn't that difficult to cook, take out the trash or help with bath times! I think it really takes a mentally mature person to do these things with out being asked. Why not offer a helping hand before it turns into resentment and a fight. I think many ladies will agree with me in saying this is what we want from a partner.
Women work just as hard as their male counterparts so why at the end of a long day should cooking cause such an uproar. I'm not saying have a rota that has a precise breakdown on whose turn it is to cook. I am saying at least help out sometimes. Offer to cook something at least twice a week or something along those lines. Offer to clean up without it becoming an issue of 'you never help me with anything'. I for one love cooking and running a home but I want my future husband to be involved in everything so that my sons can learn to be considerate and not cause some poor woman's daughter a headache in the future. And so that they can respect the work and time that goes into cooking and keeping a home. I believe it will bring our home closer together as a family. I don't believe in going with the so called 'roles' society gives us. You are a part of society therefore you can make the rules work for you and not against you! It is called being considerate. Someone is tired or your both tired offering to help out will not kill you. I gave you this one for free.I think sometimes men think we mean that they should do everything and we should fold our arms and channel surf until we find a good episode of hoarders or how do I look to watch.Helping out is a way of showing you care. Even if I was a housewife ( God forbid) keeping a house and kids entertained is still a full time job which I am not getting paid for. I would expect a helping hand without complaining or whining. It really isn't that difficult to cook, take out the trash or help with bath times! I think it really takes a mentally mature person to do these things with out being asked. Why not offer a helping hand before it turns into resentment and a fight. I think many ladies will agree with me in saying this is what we want from a partner.
How does cooking prevent cheating? As far as I am concern if someone wants to cheat on you they will. Plain and simple.You can't exactly be there with food to shovel down the man's face every time you think he will cheat! And him staying or coming home every evening because of your cooking won't prevent him from cheating or mistreating you in any way. Every time someone says otherwise I really want them to break down how the cheating mechanism is triggered by your wife/ girlfriend not cooking? I personally think that this kind of thinking leads to making a lot of excuses for bad and selfish behavior!
A lot of people and I'm not just saying men say that the western ways have disrupted the 'unique Africa' way of doing things. I've heard many theories on this and my personal solution is whatever works for you and the person your with.I mean if a lady doesn't mind cooking and cleaning and doing it all on her own. Then by all means go ahead and do that. But not every African woman is happy settling for that. As far as some of us are concern ( and yes I've mentioned this already), we are looking for a partner not a boss. A relationship is a two way street. I think the best thing for men looking for 'unique African family structure' please go to the village where you will find a suitable wife ready and willing to serve you and run around after you.
Thank you for reading
Tiwi
A lot of people and I'm not just saying men say that the western ways have disrupted the 'unique Africa' way of doing things. I've heard many theories on this and my personal solution is whatever works for you and the person your with.I mean if a lady doesn't mind cooking and cleaning and doing it all on her own. Then by all means go ahead and do that. But not every African woman is happy settling for that. As far as some of us are concern ( and yes I've mentioned this already), we are looking for a partner not a boss. A relationship is a two way street. I think the best thing for men looking for 'unique African family structure' please go to the village where you will find a suitable wife ready and willing to serve you and run around after you.
Thank you for reading
Tiwi
You're right Tiwi. Cooking doesn't prevent anyone from cheating. What I find most interesting is the fact that this idea of "a woman's place is in the kitchen" is actually a belief we were taught by our colonial masters. I don't know about Zambia, but in Nigeria, historical accounts have shown how opposed the British were to the freedoms many Yoruba women enjoyed when they first arrived in Nigeria. Check this out http://www.h-net.org/reviews/showrev.php?id=24499 and http://www.saintleo.edu/media/484382/gender_issues_among_the_yorubas_final.pdf for more information. In a nutshell though, those authors discuss how , with western imperialism and westernized christianity, colonialists quickly taught us to confine women to households. While our former colonial masters have since moved on...we however have clung to it doggedly. Maybe we'll do a post on this on our blog soon
ReplyDelete