Have you ever been in love?

source

you ever been in love?
I was 'in love' with the idea of 'love'
The idea that someone might 'love' me.
It was a selfish love where 'me' was the only equation.
The feelings were my drug. The euphoria, the sense of being love.
It was an addictive high that I couldn't kick.
In all situations good bad and down right ugly 'love' kept me there.
Every woman has that one 'love' story.

My self worth was in love, being loved.
When I look back I wonder how I could place my importance in the hands of human beings!

You see the downside to this so call 'love' was the aftermath.
Now the aftermath was even more destructive
The sense of being wronged, the burning anger, the hate and every self righteous feeling that came with being the 'wronged woman'. It was a powerfully drug. A roller coaster. One minute your crying the next minute you are in enraged vowing vengeance.
Unlike love this emotion was hard, dark an endless pit of swirling emotions
I couldn't handle it and it would have destroyed me if I had allowed it. It would have changed me from the careful, got my cards tight to my chest, focused women into something I didn't recognise. And for a minute it did. But I reeled it in. Dealt with it and closed that door.


Love I used to find myself looking for you in music,
Those rom com and racy romance novels. I was obsessed
All I would ever think about was what it would be like in a relationship
Feeling that love. Feeling consumed once again.
I would day dream and imagine things. I lived in my head
Until one day I got tired of feeling unwanted.
I got tired of feeling unfulfilled by 'love' 'like' 'attraction' , you name it.
I just got tired of all of it.

I wanted to know me.
I wanted to be unconsumed by 'love'
I found real love in myself.
I am learning that you need to love yourself before anyone can love you