When the pressure gets me ...

This is a little something I wrote a while back

When the pressure gets to me . My brain screams retreat, the panic button comes on and I just freeze. I don't do anything I just freeze. Motionless , clammy , sweaty, nauseous it all happens to me.
I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I know I have a God that is bigger than this, but there seems to be this un-explainable road block in my life.
I feel like life is happening all around me and I'm stagnant, not good enough, stuck
that apple in my throat is difficult to swallow. I can't even explain these emotions in words, just tears. Tears fall but the panic and stress never go. My emotions are all over the place.
I don't understand why I am so stuck here. I have things to do but I would rather read senseless books, be stuck on Facebook and tweet my life away. When. To be quite frank I don't even understand twitter.
When the pressure comes my body pays the prices, I can't sleep. It's 3 am , I am exhausted but I can't do it. I feel like I can't live life. I am irrationally angry, I eat when I am not hungry and too many heavy thoughts of what a failure I am consume me. Even my skin pays the price of the pressure.
I am tired. I do not wish to end my life I am just torn in too many directions.
To be quite frank I don't want to end up a nobody and at this rate poverty looks like she's chairing for me to be on her team.
I spend like I am a millionaire , well a lazy millionaire. I can stay in bed or hours just doing nothing. I am so tired of this my brain hurts. I just want to walk , and keep on walking.
I can't seem to get anything right . It is like I am being torn in two and nothing is going right.
There is no balance in my life. I just feel it spiraling down down down. Work ethic 0. health minus 0 everything is just wrong. i am bone tired and slowly running crazy.