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What I'm listening to

As you guys know. From time to time, I enjoy sharing what I've been listening to with you guys.

I've mentioned this before and I will say this every time I do this kind of post. I have an eclectic taste when it comes to music. 

 It has a lot do to with how the music makes me feel. I listen to the words and the beat and if it's beautiful I'm hooked. 

Today I've got some mzansi jams, some afrobeats, old school jams, r&b , neo soul and some hip hop.

I hope you enjoy my play list this time. 

Lord knows I have

Love 

Tiwi

The 21st century African woman : Cooking and House chores.

Hello my good people

Sometime ago I wrote about African ideologies of dating and marriage. I was making this a part 2 but I felt simply calling it that was mehh...boring. I wanted to look at house chores and cooking in an African relationship

Warning: I have very strong opinions on this so be ready. I am trying to understand the existing African psyche from things I have read and things I see around me.

 As an African woman I feel there are many things that put us under pressure. According to the message I feel we get out there :You are supposed to embody your traditional roles by this I mean , 'Children, kitchen and home' while perusing a demanding career, looking like Beyonce/ doing your Naomi Campbell walk and staying fit. Oh and you are supposed to take care of your husband as well.

Cooking and house chores.

To get the ball rolling. I thought I should share this bit of nonsense I read somewhere :Many ladies now dislike cooking and home chores just because they had been totally brainwashed by movies showcasing men playing the role of women in a family, and due to excessive exposure to modern media that promotes gender-equality in a destructive way that’s aimed at destroying the unique African family setting that made our previous African marriages everlasting and envious to the westerns. Now, with this attitude, how do you expect a Zambian man to desire to marry when he knows he is only buying more headache and trouble than helper for himself

Can someone please explain to me how needing help and support equates being brain washed? 

I have several questions and thoughts based on this statement. Is this how men really see us? Let me be more specific is this how African men see us women?Are we simply ' helpers' to make the man's life more simple and easy?

I have heard so many opinions on this cooking and housework issue. My aunt told me a story about how some African men come to this country ( the UK) and expect things to be the same as back home. Imagine this scenario :

You are married to a man that was a manger in your home country. Now you move abroad (the UK). You work as a carer in a nursing home. You have 4 kids with your husband. He refuses to get a job because they won't hire him as a manager. So he sits at home reading the newspaper and watching TV. In the morning you come home from a 12 hour shift, you get the kids up from bed feed and bath them , then you walk your kids to school. You come back , make breakfast for your husband. At 3 you wake up from your sleep to pick your kids from school then you come home to cook and at 6 you head of to work again. All your husband does is take your money and demand his breakfast and dinner.

Frankly when my aunt told me this story I wanted to get my hands on the man and beat him. This story is not unique. I always hear all kinds of shocking things about people's marriages ( being over 20 sucks sometimes because people start sharing their weird stories with you). The things I've heard, apparently some of the women aren't taking it anymore and have started to "rebel" and be "disrespectful".

My culture ( I dunno about yours) teaches girls that they should take care of their husbands like it's their first born child. You are expected to do everything for the man. And this is one of the reasons I have sworn off marrying a man from 'my country' or a man that thinks like this because I know a marriage with such a person would become very unbearable for him because I'd go crazy therefore he would be following me straight to crazyland.

It seems ( from the things I've heard)  to qualify as wife/ girl friend material you have to cook for the man.  Your place is the kitchen and you must be equipped in the knowledge and power that is cooking and being a cleaner. I have heard and read a lot about this. For instance if you don't cook then your man will cheat on you and leave you for some other woman. Cooking ensures that your man will remain at home with you? Please read this twice because when I heard it I had to bite my tongue.( I think I drew blood). Cooking will ensure that you keep your man at home. I am sorry but if you marry someone solely for their domestic skills there is something not right with you. Yes I have said it. According to the domestic critics you need to throw down in the kitchen or Mr man is gone. I say bye bye to that type of man. Is learning how to cook and sharing the load such a big problem? Is it the end of the world?

 I think cooking and house chores in general need to be shared between everyone in the household? Yes including the man! Why? because I work and you work. I am not superwoman with extra powers.I am just as tired as you and I am sorry if you think women are superwoman / machine lady but that's how it should be.

Women work just as hard as their male counterparts so why at the end of a long day should cooking cause such an uproar. I'm not saying have a rota that has a precise breakdown on whose turn it is to cook. I am saying at least help out sometimes. Offer to cook something at least twice a week or something along those lines. Offer to clean up without it becoming an issue of 'you never help me with anything'. I for one love cooking and running a home but I want my future husband to be involved in everything so that my sons can learn to be considerate and not cause some poor woman's daughter a headache in the future. And so that they can respect the work and time that goes into cooking and keeping a home. I believe it will bring our home closer together as a family. I don't believe in going with the so called 'roles' society gives us. You are a part of society therefore you can  make the rules work for you and not against you! It is called being considerate. Someone is tired or your both tired offering to help out will not kill you. I gave you this one for free.I think sometimes men think we mean that they should do everything and we should fold our arms and channel surf until we find a good episode of hoarders or how do I look to watch.Helping out is a way of showing you care. Even if I was a housewife ( God forbid) keeping a house and kids entertained is still a full time job which I am not getting paid for. I would expect a helping hand without complaining or whining. It really isn't that difficult to cook, take out the trash or help with bath times! I think it really takes a mentally mature person to do these things with out being asked. Why not offer a helping hand before it turns into resentment and a fight. I think many ladies will agree with me in saying this is what we want from a partner.

How does cooking prevent cheating? As far as I am concern if someone wants to cheat on you they will. Plain and simple.You can't exactly be there with food to shovel down the man's face every time you think he will cheat! And him staying or coming home every evening because of your cooking won't prevent him from cheating or mistreating you in any way. Every time someone says otherwise I really want them to break down how the cheating mechanism is triggered by your wife/ girlfriend not cooking? I personally think that this kind of thinking leads to making a lot of excuses for bad and selfish behavior!

A lot of people and I'm not just saying men say that the western ways have disrupted the 'unique Africa' way of doing things. I've heard many theories on this and my personal solution is whatever works for  you and the person your with.I mean if a lady doesn't mind cooking and cleaning and doing it all on her own. Then by all means go ahead and do that. But not every African woman is happy settling for that. As far as some of us are concern ( and yes I've mentioned this already), we are looking for a partner not a boss. A relationship is a two way street. I think the best thing for men looking for 'unique African family structure' please go to the village where you will find a suitable wife ready and willing to serve you and run around after you.


Thank you for reading

Tiwi

Mr Philosopher

You are that Jill Scott song minus the part about loving me

I wouldn't say I loved you but I was in strong like.

You intrigued me with your words and thoughts.

Your mind was the main attraction.

On these long nights when sleep is aloof and my mind wonders.

I always remember you.

We could have been great together says my flesh.

But my spirit knows better. We would have destroyed each other.

Like Romeo and Juliet. Minus the Shakespearean drama.

I will always cherish the times we spent together, talking about life and exploring each others minds.

You were a moment in time mr. A microcosm of my brush with men.

From you I learn't the art of letting go. Not getting ahead of myself and dealing with my confused emotions. Boy did I get a run for my feelings. I realise now that you were a test... I learnt not to give away my heart so easily with you. You made me laugh so hard and you almost made me cry. If I still knew you I would say thank you .Even though I'm sure you wouldn't understand.

You could almost fade into the background for our meeting was but a brush of fate. 

We were both at  life's crossroad going through some things. 

Like I said before you remind me of the chords to the Jill Scott song ' He loves me' minus the love. Whenever I hear that song from now on wards it will remind me of you.

strong like
Tiwi x

Unapologetic immigrant

You always ask me. 'Where are you from'?

I say oh ' Skipton' but you say No. Where are you from 'originally'.

My thought process when you ask me that question is ' Here we go again'. What follows after my long winded awkward explanation about my heritage ' Oh so why did you move here'?

Why do you think I moved here?  

For some reason this world believes the 1st world is the land of opportunity and bright futures.

Meanwhile African and Africans have no faith in their own systems. Forever looking at distant lands other than our own for our bright futures. It's a sad reality. We don't have faith in our selves and the rest of the world sees us a a continent of beggars, rife with corruption , disease and hunger! 

You might get mad  at me but you know it's true!

Instead of improving our homelands we think about the I. Inequalities grow bigger. 'Developments happen' but the corruption and dishonesty of the immoral systems in place  make us passive beings who look for our bright futures, big money and the likes in other lands. No one wants to be the first one to build Africa up. 

Sometimes I ask myself how can the richest continent be so poor and broken?

I am an unapologetic immigrant. At first I used to feel inferior faced with the question ' Why did you move here?'. Alot of my time spent explaining that my parents got a job so we had to move. I find it rude and disrespectful that people feel a sense of entitlement to quiz people about why they move. Don''t you watch the new? Duh. Look at the Africa you see on the BBCs and the  ITVs! If you were an immigrant faced with the chance of a 'better life' wouldn't you move?

Don't get me wrong my Africa is beautiful. It is just plagued by a disease called greed and entitlement for work not done. 

Are people not entitled to move these days? can't a person seek a better life. You expect immigrants to sympathise with you. Welcome to the reality of this world. People move to obtain an elusive sense of a better life. To live in countries where they are hated and killed. Mistreated and disrespected! All for an opportunity at improving their life. It is in our human psyche to seek better opportunities for ourselves. 

What do you think mate! I want a bright future too. I want to be taken seriously and to have more 'opportunities'. This is what I have been fed. Hurl your go back to your countries. Hurl your racist slurs. I will still be here. Didn't you know we live in a globalised world?! Was it not your country that 'discovered us' as savages who were uncivilized and didn't know any better. Now you have the ideal life and won't share the pie.

Everyone wants to have a good life. That is why we leave our homes, the sunshine, good food , family and friends to seek this elusive 'better life'.