The 21st century African woman : Cooking and House chores.

Hello my good people

Sometime ago I wrote about African ideologies of dating and marriage. I was making this a part 2 but I felt simply calling it that was mehh...boring. I wanted to look at house chores and cooking in an African relationship

Warning: I have very strong opinions on this so be ready. I am trying to understand the existing African psyche from things I have read and things I see around me.

 As an African woman I feel there are many things that put us under pressure. According to the message I feel we get out there :You are supposed to embody your traditional roles by this I mean , 'Children, kitchen and home' while perusing a demanding career, looking like Beyonce/ doing your Naomi Campbell walk and staying fit. Oh and you are supposed to take care of your husband as well.

Cooking and house chores.

To get the ball rolling. I thought I should share this bit of nonsense I read somewhere :Many ladies now dislike cooking and home chores just because they had been totally brainwashed by movies showcasing men playing the role of women in a family, and due to excessive exposure to modern media that promotes gender-equality in a destructive way that’s aimed at destroying the unique African family setting that made our previous African marriages everlasting and envious to the westerns. Now, with this attitude, how do you expect a Zambian man to desire to marry when he knows he is only buying more headache and trouble than helper for himself

Can someone please explain to me how needing help and support equates being brain washed? 

I have several questions and thoughts based on this statement. Is this how men really see us? Let me be more specific is this how African men see us women?Are we simply ' helpers' to make the man's life more simple and easy?

I have heard so many opinions on this cooking and housework issue. My aunt told me a story about how some African men come to this country ( the UK) and expect things to be the same as back home. Imagine this scenario :

You are married to a man that was a manger in your home country. Now you move abroad (the UK). You work as a carer in a nursing home. You have 4 kids with your husband. He refuses to get a job because they won't hire him as a manager. So he sits at home reading the newspaper and watching TV. In the morning you come home from a 12 hour shift, you get the kids up from bed feed and bath them , then you walk your kids to school. You come back , make breakfast for your husband. At 3 you wake up from your sleep to pick your kids from school then you come home to cook and at 6 you head of to work again. All your husband does is take your money and demand his breakfast and dinner.

Frankly when my aunt told me this story I wanted to get my hands on the man and beat him. This story is not unique. I always hear all kinds of shocking things about people's marriages ( being over 20 sucks sometimes because people start sharing their weird stories with you). The things I've heard, apparently some of the women aren't taking it anymore and have started to "rebel" and be "disrespectful".

My culture ( I dunno about yours) teaches girls that they should take care of their husbands like it's their first born child. You are expected to do everything for the man. And this is one of the reasons I have sworn off marrying a man from 'my country' or a man that thinks like this because I know a marriage with such a person would become very unbearable for him because I'd go crazy therefore he would be following me straight to crazyland.

It seems ( from the things I've heard)  to qualify as wife/ girl friend material you have to cook for the man.  Your place is the kitchen and you must be equipped in the knowledge and power that is cooking and being a cleaner. I have heard and read a lot about this. For instance if you don't cook then your man will cheat on you and leave you for some other woman. Cooking ensures that your man will remain at home with you? Please read this twice because when I heard it I had to bite my tongue.( I think I drew blood). Cooking will ensure that you keep your man at home. I am sorry but if you marry someone solely for their domestic skills there is something not right with you. Yes I have said it. According to the domestic critics you need to throw down in the kitchen or Mr man is gone. I say bye bye to that type of man. Is learning how to cook and sharing the load such a big problem? Is it the end of the world?

 I think cooking and house chores in general need to be shared between everyone in the household? Yes including the man! Why? because I work and you work. I am not superwoman with extra powers.I am just as tired as you and I am sorry if you think women are superwoman / machine lady but that's how it should be.

Women work just as hard as their male counterparts so why at the end of a long day should cooking cause such an uproar. I'm not saying have a rota that has a precise breakdown on whose turn it is to cook. I am saying at least help out sometimes. Offer to cook something at least twice a week or something along those lines. Offer to clean up without it becoming an issue of 'you never help me with anything'. I for one love cooking and running a home but I want my future husband to be involved in everything so that my sons can learn to be considerate and not cause some poor woman's daughter a headache in the future. And so that they can respect the work and time that goes into cooking and keeping a home. I believe it will bring our home closer together as a family. I don't believe in going with the so called 'roles' society gives us. You are a part of society therefore you can  make the rules work for you and not against you! It is called being considerate. Someone is tired or your both tired offering to help out will not kill you. I gave you this one for free.I think sometimes men think we mean that they should do everything and we should fold our arms and channel surf until we find a good episode of hoarders or how do I look to watch.Helping out is a way of showing you care. Even if I was a housewife ( God forbid) keeping a house and kids entertained is still a full time job which I am not getting paid for. I would expect a helping hand without complaining or whining. It really isn't that difficult to cook, take out the trash or help with bath times! I think it really takes a mentally mature person to do these things with out being asked. Why not offer a helping hand before it turns into resentment and a fight. I think many ladies will agree with me in saying this is what we want from a partner.

How does cooking prevent cheating? As far as I am concern if someone wants to cheat on you they will. Plain and simple.You can't exactly be there with food to shovel down the man's face every time you think he will cheat! And him staying or coming home every evening because of your cooking won't prevent him from cheating or mistreating you in any way. Every time someone says otherwise I really want them to break down how the cheating mechanism is triggered by your wife/ girlfriend not cooking? I personally think that this kind of thinking leads to making a lot of excuses for bad and selfish behavior!

A lot of people and I'm not just saying men say that the western ways have disrupted the 'unique Africa' way of doing things. I've heard many theories on this and my personal solution is whatever works for  you and the person your with.I mean if a lady doesn't mind cooking and cleaning and doing it all on her own. Then by all means go ahead and do that. But not every African woman is happy settling for that. As far as some of us are concern ( and yes I've mentioned this already), we are looking for a partner not a boss. A relationship is a two way street. I think the best thing for men looking for 'unique African family structure' please go to the village where you will find a suitable wife ready and willing to serve you and run around after you.


Thank you for reading

Tiwi

Let's talk about it : All men are bad.?

Bet the title made you think uh huh Tiwi is at it again. Bashing men and blah blah blah . Well keep reading you just  might be surprised...

I am sure you have heard a lot of women dish out this phrase or something similar 'All men are bad'. I'm sorry I can't join you on that bandwagon. As my Nigerian friends would say ' It is not my portion in Jesus name'.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy that there is someone for everyone. The one, soul mates, you name it. How did I become this firm believer in love and happy endings? Simple. I was once  the opposite... Yes I was the bitter one. You know the girl in the friendship group who always had something negative to say about the male species  and relationships. I was the whoa betidder  ( yes I just made up a word, I'm allowed). If you came to me about your relationship problems or men in general I had  generic answers ready to dish out: Leave him and be single forever. Men are not worth it or meeh he's male what do you expect and other colorful ones I refuse point blank to remember. Believe me, when you have been to the other side you can appreciate the optimism that come with new thinking.

I believe that women who believe that all men are bad need to take a closer look at themselves. You need to re evaluate yourself and your life if you keep attracting ' all the bad men'. One thing we often do as human beings is blame other people for our mistakes instead of taking the responsibility for our actions and choices. ( You did after all say yes before hand. He didn't kidnap you and force you to endure his badness)

To help you understand what I mean by 'self evaluation'.  I will do my own self evaluation before I changed my views on men:

I honestly believed I would never date. While all my friends were discovering boys in their teens. I was dealing with rejection from boys I 'imagined' liked me ( if I could tell you guys the stories I 'm sure you would be rolling on the floor laughing). The rejections had a major impact oh how I related with boys and men and caused a lot of confusion in my life from about 13 till I was about 17 . At 18 I washed my hands of men completely ( sniggering) and resigned to a life of spinsterhood. I didn't have the 'awkward dating when your a teen experience'. I just watched my friends go through the experience and wrote it off for myself. This was part of the of the reason why I had such a negative outlook on men. Believe me it caused a lot of unnecessary problems and depression. I felt ugly , bitter and angry.

Let me break down my life anecdote and lets evaluate where I went wrong:

1) I was painfully awkward
2) I had no confidence or self esteem and would shy away from people
3) My body language always sent out the wrong signals such as ' go away I don't like you'
4) I gave up on myself before I could even try ( Wish   I had tried)
5) I never made an effort with how I looked at all. ( Even Cinderella knew she would't bag the prince in a ragged maid clothes and dirt on her face)
6) My personality seemed off putting because I always said outrageous things ( I though it made me cool at the time... biggest mistake of my life but I've learnt from it).

Problems: It was all me. When I look back and think about how crazy I must have looked I chuckle. All these things made me very unattractive. Expecting prince charming to read through all that self destruction was really unrealistic. The problem with shedding this persona, was she was so ingrained in me it's taken years to get rid of her. To this day I'm still shedding her off.

No. I am not in love or in like at the moment. A guy didn't change my perspective on the opposite sex. In fact my brush with attempted dating/relationship has ranged from down right weird to painful and  bewildered Tiwi. I had to change on my own (ish). If you think for a second that prince charming will come on his white stallion to sweep you off  your feet before you change yourself and your thinking... then please invite me to the film premiere of the auto biography of your happily ever after. Notice such things only happen in Disney animations and rom/coms. It's harsh but we do live in a cruel world.

 This is what happened to me:

•  Firstly I found God ( Yes I keep mentioning this) but God in my life is what has been responsible for changing the way I think and my outlook on life. HE has given me hope that he is molding me for the perfect man and that my future husband is being molded for me somewhere out there. 
• I just got tired if thinking all men where this and that. I also did a simple exercise  I just turned the tables. What if ( and I know there are) some guy felt the same way I used to feel with regards to the opposite sex.
• Hope won the fight against negative Tiwi. 

Me today:

I am actually excited. I can't wait to finally be with my future husband. I want 5 kids so I hope he is prepared. I want him to be different from me. I want to learn from him and I want to teach him as well.

The number 1 thing is God should be the center of his life. The rest can follow after. I can't wait to be with him. (Yes I am that excited about a man I haven't even met yet, it's crazy).

Meanwhile, I will be working on myself. I want to know what love is ( no not the song, actual love). I want to understand marriage ( because when I say I do it will be for life) and I want to be the best person I can be for him.

In summary

Being negative about finding a good man consumes you. Because you literally fight with hope and hope doesn't desert you just like that.  The best way I can describe this is like tearing yourself into two parts. That sounds painful right? Another thing is being so negative erodes any good feelings you have about yourself, because you will be too busy thinking about 'where have all the good men gone?' ...which leaves room for vulnerability and therefore space for  all so douche baggy men to come into your life.  Another thing is if you believe so strongly that all men are bad then that is what you will get honey. There is power in the words you say and your thoughts. You will also make excuses for any waste men that manage to worm their way into your life. And they will hold on to you.

All in all you are setting  yourself up for a big painful fall. Re-evaluate yourself before you make up your mind about'all' men.

I hope someone finds this helpful. Please feel free to comment

Love

Tiwi x