Birthday month = Reflection

Hello lovely people.

I have so much to share with you. Now I think I have probably said this a couple of times. But this blog is a way of me reflecting on my life and building my character. If you don't like open honesty or reading about people's ideas on life then I suggest you stop reading now.

I turned 23 on the 1st of November ( birthdays always make me reflect on my life) . This doesn't bother me at all because my life is currently in a transition stage  ( to be honest with you guys I think we are always in transition). 2012 for me has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been full of oxymoron's. From high heights to low lows; I finally understand something  my daddy always used to say to me : 'My girl if you come out of university the same person you started as then you haven't experienced life'. It true oh. It is true.

The highlight of my life is that I finally found Jesus for real this time. I won't lie it was an exhilarating experience when it happened. But I have been struggling. 1) because I am a perfectionist and can not stand the idea of getting anything wrong and 2) It is a bit scary, I won't lie. I am scared of going wrong and when I catch myself thinking or doing the wrong thing I really feel like a failure. But one thing occurred to me. In order to grow in my faith I have got to learn how to forgive myself. God forgives me every time I get things wrong and talk to him about it. So why can't I learnt to forgive myself and learn from those experiences?

I also  realized something. I constantly talk about  us as human beings being our own worst critics and I have found that this is exactly what I was putting myself through. Whereas  part of me  used to blame other people for putting me down ,in hindsight I  realized that I was doing the bulk of the criticizing and tearing apart. Allowing myself to languish in guilt about getting anything wrong. I used to focus of the negative aspects of a bad situation now I try to see how I can work through that bad situation and learn from it; lately I have found myself smiling even when I feel like the world is crashing around me. Laughing when I am crying and enjoying small luxuries.... sun rise while I'm working on a last minute deadline.

I am also so tired of fighting with myself. These days I don't have that kind of energy to tear myself down or to take that time out to dissect  this or that behavior  I am simply just too tired for that. I have matured from that definitely ( by force yes ), it has become something I can not simply stand doing. There are just too many things going on in terms of school and just life for me to sit down and breaking myself apart.

Things i realized upon refection :

• A big part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. So you made a mistake...  beating yourself up about it will not help you. Forgiving yourself is guaranteed to help you learn something from that situation. Holding on to your mistake only holds you back.
• Don't take everything that happens in your life too personal. That requires way too much energy which you can simply invest in other aspects of your life that help you grow. You will burn out if you keep going on like that
• Changing yourself doesn't happen over night. It is a long process. Like a journey with many turns and lessons.
• don't be your own worst critic  The world does that enough for you. Be your own fan club ( without the arrogance please). Reflect on what you have achieved not the shoulda,woulda,couldas of life.

Life : Discovering yourself

Life is an interesting journey. I  believe that when we are children we are raw forms of ourselves. Untamed and innocence wrapped in a tiny body. We push the boundaries and aren't afraid to be who we are or voice our opinions. But then the world steps in, bringing with it a whole host of insecurities and self doubt we go into a stage of seeking approval from everyone but ourselves. Without realising we start living for others and not who we are ( some people never actually stop doing that)

From listening to my two teenage sisters, I can say that teenagers of today are highly plagued with too many expectations of what other people think they should be. It's sad really because you have to in essences deny who you are or some parts of yourself to be  be in with the group. Conformity can be a pain but it is necessary.

Now you are probably wondering. 'Where are you going with this Tiwi?'

The other day I came to a somewhat obvious realisation. I always used to naively believe that what people showed me was them being their true self, but upon reflection I have realised that alot of people show you a part of themselves that they only want you to see.  I think I've touched on this subject before, but alot of people wear masks. Myself included. But some people take it to the next level. When I look back on my short life I realise that alot of people who I used to believe were my friends where just showing me what I wanted to see. The good thing is people's intentions for you usual surface in the end and unluckily for me I have been back stabbed too many times to count. And like a true glutton for this kind of punishment I didn't learn my lesson the first time it happened . Every time this would happen I would block it out of my head mentally and move on. However after 22 years of taking it to the back I finally realised that I have got to stop allowing this to happen to myself. Sometimes I think that people take my openness about myself as weakness. I can be painfully brutally open sometimes and very free with my opinions. I honestly believed that everyone was like this until recently.

At this point in my life I reevaluated my life and found that people I can count as my true friends are less than a dozen people. I also realised that I have to stop being so trusting. I mean when I am open with people they use that to make me a laughing stalk. So I am done with that.Not that i'm joing thw world of fakery not at all. I am just going to do more listening than talking and I will guard what I say around people especially those that don't know me like that. On this note I can honestly say that the thought of making new friends isn't a thing I relish anymore. I am at this moment sceptical about trusting anyone alien in my life. I have met some great and honest people who I found have been through the same expierence as me. I would rather keep new people  at arms length than make an effort to try and get to know someone who will later throw everything about me back in my face. I really would love to know why people do this? It is truely beyond me...

Sometimes I really wish we were more like children. Honest and true to ourselves and those around us. I really do envy the richness of their life expierences.

I know my usual posts are somewhat happy. But this is more like one big question to myself and you guys I guess. Do I keep being myself  , open and trusting of people? or do I stop it ? I am worried that the latter will change me but to be honest I am willing to explore this option as being open in the past has allowed alot  of nonsense to happen in my life. Also by being more quiet and listening as well as observing I am perhaps learning the new skill of looking behind pretentious masks.

On that note I will end here as I can think of nothing productive to say for now.

Let me know what you think?

Tiwi x