Hello lovely people.
I have so much to share with you. Now I think I have probably said this a couple of times. But this blog is a way of me reflecting on my life and building my character. If you don't like open honesty or reading about people's ideas on life then I suggest you stop reading now.
I turned 23 on the 1st of November ( birthdays always make me reflect on my life) . This doesn't bother me at all because my life is currently in a transition stage ( to be honest with you guys I think we are always in transition). 2012 for me has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been full of oxymoron's. From high heights to low lows; I finally understand something my daddy always used to say to me : 'My girl if you come out of university the same person you started as then you haven't experienced life'. It true oh. It is true.
The highlight of my life is that I finally found Jesus for real this time. I won't lie it was an exhilarating experience when it happened. But I have been struggling. 1) because I am a perfectionist and can not stand the idea of getting anything wrong and 2) It is a bit scary, I won't lie. I am scared of going wrong and when I catch myself thinking or doing the wrong thing I really feel like a failure. But one thing occurred to me. In order to grow in my faith I have got to learn how to forgive myself. God forgives me every time I get things wrong and talk to him about it. So why can't I learnt to forgive myself and learn from those experiences?
I also realized something. I constantly talk about us as human beings being our own worst critics and I have found that this is exactly what I was putting myself through. Whereas part of me used to blame other people for putting me down ,in hindsight I realized that I was doing the bulk of the criticizing and tearing apart. Allowing myself to languish in guilt about getting anything wrong. I used to focus of the negative aspects of a bad situation now I try to see how I can work through that bad situation and learn from it; lately I have found myself smiling even when I feel like the world is crashing around me. Laughing when I am crying and enjoying small luxuries.... sun rise while I'm working on a last minute deadline.
I am also so tired of fighting with myself. These days I don't have that kind of energy to tear myself down or to take that time out to dissect this or that behavior I am simply just too tired for that. I have matured from that definitely ( by force yes ), it has become something I can not simply stand doing. There are just too many things going on in terms of school and just life for me to sit down and breaking myself apart.
Things i realized upon refection :
- A big part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. So you made a mistake... beating yourself up about it will not help you. Forgiving yourself is guaranteed to help you learn something from that situation. Holding on to your mistake only holds you back.
- Don't take everything that happens in your life too personal. That requires way too much energy which you can simply invest in other aspects of your life that help you grow. You will burn out if you keep going on like that
- Changing yourself doesn't happen over night. It is a long process. Like a journey with many turns and lessons.
- don't be your own worst critic The world does that enough for you. Be your own fan club ( without the arrogance please). Reflect on what you have achieved not the shoulda,woulda,couldas of life.
