Confidence and Self esteem (SCE)

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I don't know where to start when it comes to discussing this topic. So I will just go right away and dive  into it. I will start by giving my definition of a lack of self esteem and self confidence : a lack of faith in one's self which will have an affect on abilities and capabilities of an individual.

Anecdote of my life 

Confidence and Self Esteem  have always been a problem in my life. When I was younger I actually believed I was ugly. My siblings will testify to the fact that I identified with Quasimodo ( the hunch back of Notre Dame). I always stayed out of the spot light and I have struggled with shyness throughout my life, which people often mistake for rudeness. I am terrified of public embarrassment , I think I could actually collapse if I was publicly humiliated.

 I personally  believe it is important to accept our weakness as well as our strengths, by achieving this balance we know our capabilities and can fulfill our full potential.

Physical beauty was never my forte, I will not lie. My only 100% assurance was that I was intelligent, otherwise I couldn't necessarily be counted as one of the raving beauties of my time. I was an awkward pre teen and I think the awkwardness lasted for a long time. It didn't help that people around me used to call me ugly. On this point I would strongly advice you to surround yourself with positive people. I can't stress this point enough. Positive people have that rubbing off effect. You are more likely to become a more positive and hope filled person.

 My lack of self confidence only got worse when I gained weight. In my teens I was a size 6/8 and had what a lot of people referred to as a beautiful body , but in my late teens my doctor put me on the pill for medical reasons. I went from a size 8 to an alarming size 14 in a space of  3 months and I continued to pile on the weight. I a m currently a size 16/18. I have learnt to love my body with all it's bumps and lumps. I do this by focusing on my good points and paying little attention to the parts I do not like. I have also learnt how to dress for my size, despite getting it wrong sometimes I think I am doing a pretty good job.

So what is the point of me pouring out one of my darkest secrets?
 A lack of of confidence is what I can closely describe is self -doubt. It affects all aspects of your life. The opportunities you take, the friends you make and the quality of your life and even how people perceive you.When you have a lack of self confidence and self esteem you project it in your everyday life. People will see this and they may not take you seriously. Even if you wanted to take on a serious project or do something meaningful I doubt that you would be able to do it to the best of your ability because you will second guess everything you do.

 Life is like a market where you sell yourself as a product. You market who you are to everyone you come in contact with daily. If you can't convince yourself that you are worth it , beautiful, intelligent , ambitious you name it then it will be very difficult to convince other people the same thing. A lack of self confidence will reproduce indecisiveness, laziness, anti-social behavior  a negative mind, depression and many more like characteristics.

What am I doing to improve my Self Confidence and Esteem 

1) This is advice from a girl struggling with the same problem. To be honest in my case I am dealing with my issues by delving into a deeper relationship with God. Not a lot of people would openly want to admit this but I am not ashamed of my beliefs. God is central to everything in my life ( or a least I am attempting to make him my center). It is hard at times, but it is getting easier and easier because I can just give it up to God.

2) As I already mentioned surround yourself with positive people who give you constructive criticism. However learn to stand on your own , by identifying with your own personal views

3) Me time : Now I personally love to be surrounded by my friends a lot, but it is important to take sometime to yourself, where you think about your life and reflect. Do something, like read a book, paint your nails or just get creative.

4) I read somewhere that exercise and a healthy diet go hand in hand with feeling good about  yourself. I am not sure how true this is but it makes sense. When I make myself do exercise (which is once in a blue moon) I feel energized after. This is something I will be taking on.

5) wear outfits that compliment your body. Looking good will make you feel good and you will radiate positive I love myself vibes.

6) Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Do this and believe it as you say it to yourself.

On my personal road to gaining SCE

 In the next 2 years I would love to blossom, cease being shy, be more confident in my abilities and put myself out there more. Another thing I am doing is joining the gym and exercising to be healthy. If in the process I lose weight then so be it. I will also challenge myself to eat more healthy.

I would love to be a motivational speaker for people struggling with this issue. I feel that once you have experienced something you can relate to others and know where to start from.

One  last tangent note :True confidence starts from working inwards, work on those things first and you will blossom. I am already seeing some progress I have made, but I want the full package. I know I will achieve my goals. How can I fail with God on my side?

Until my next thoughts

Love
Tiwi x

Snap judgement

One thing I am learning this year is patience.
I realised this year that I am not a very impatient person. For one if I fancied a guy I would go up to him and let him know. I learnt the hard way that I will personally never let a guy know I like him unless he does the chasing and I am 100% sure that they have clearly stated their intentions.

Believe me I do not ever want to look back and regret my decisions, because
a) I have to live with myself and I can't run away from me
and b) do you know that you are your own worst critic and have to deal with the consequences of your choices?

So no snap judgments. I don't know about you guys, but I am the sort of person who can think about doing something for a long time and then on a random day decide to go ahead with the plan. Usually when I am not ready mentally to deal with things. This is how I started this blog, I didn't really think about it. I just did it.

Now this is a good and bad thing in my opinion. Why do I say this. Because you are really motivated when you start out and will have that drive and push to go for it. However if you haven't really thought about what you are getting yourself into you might lose interest in your venture. So I have learnt to think carefully of what I get myself into and how to make good balanced decisions.

Snap judgement can pan out if you are sure you have the drive and motivation to do carry on with the course of action you have taken. However , I am going to try out this patience thing and maybe, just maybe it will help me stop living in my head and start living my life.

I would really be interested in knowing what you guys think. Let me know

Tiwi x

Thinking about life...

This blog isn't just about poetry and music. I'd like to think it's deeper than that.
University is teaching me alot about myself. Sometimes I feel as though I'm naked and everyone can see  my flaws. Let me explain myself. I have one of those personalities where I am who I am. I don't like being disrespected by anyone. I don't care who the person is but you will get it if you disrespect me.This contradicts my up bring and people think I'm a rude angry person. I always trained myself not care what people think about me. If people didn't get me then that was their own problem as long as me myself and I were fine.

I have learnt in the most painful way that this kind of attitude doesn't get you anywhere.  It makes you unaccesible and you miss out on good people and good experiences. I'm at a cross road in my life where I have decided to change. I don't want to be looked at as that girl with an awful personality. The close people in my life know that I am not like that. God knows I am not like that but I guess I was living my life with my head in the sand like an ostrich.

Take this walk with me on my change to being a better person. I want to be the best me I can be.

If anyone comes across this and your having similar issues but you haven't decided to change let me tell you now that it is not worth it. Life is too short to be selfish and self centered. You will push people away and in the end have to live with the consequences of your behaviour. At the end of the day you cannot run away from yourself.

Tiwi x

This is just a snapshot by the way.

Pain

Pain forces maturity 

it makes you vulnerable, naked to yourself.

You can no longer hide behind that mask you put on for everybody

because you just have to face our self.

Pain can either break you or make you.

It makes you dysfunctional and tests the boundaries of your sanity.

It can consume you,

It can change form and state. 

hate, anger, loneliness, you name it.

It can be converted into energy. It makes you determined to do something.

Pain can be a driving force.

It can eat you up inside. It is like acid, eroding all the goodness to reveal the ugly unwholesome things we like to hide.

Pain brings about unwanted emotions.

Rejection.

I like to compare pain to a festering wound. Open to infections. You cannot cover it with 

a band aid, as it takes time to heal. 

Pain is all these things and more. 

Of late, pain you have been my inspiration,

my creativity

my companion.

Somehow you are always there, reminding me. You make me strong and weak.

Just like Love your friend, you are bittersweet.

Tiwi x

Love

Even though I am in the library, attempting to write up a project on water. I decided to write.

I have been through a lot  this year already and I'm just going to free style this piece.

Love.

You have made me cry, think, doubt myself.

You have caged me in my own body.

I have wished death on you, Love.

All because you trapped me in my body and mind.

For once I couldn't run away from you.

You taught me that I can deal with my emotions.

Love you taught me that you exist.

You almost broke me, you made me sob from the depths of my soul.

You almost broke me I repeat. You made my soul ache.

You were and are the growing pains of my maturity.

You forced me to grow up. Open my eyes and survey the world I had been hiding from.

You seduced me,

made me feel like I was on floaty clouds and then you disappeared on a high.

You broke my wall. You know which one!

That concrete , land mind filled one.

You taught me to care about others beyond myself.
You taught me the golden rule of patience, silences and thinking before I act.

I could go on writing about you love.

But this.This being you Love. Also told me not to give you away to just anybody.

Let me tell you a secret Love. When I was a little girl, I believed with all my heart that you did not exist for me. I Have come to realise that you do.

Love. My beautiful oxymoron.

Thank you for your recent and future lessons.

I just wrote this in a few minutes literally. These words have been swirling around in my heart for a while. I hope you find them useful.

I just thought I should share a song with you guys, that relates to this piece.

Love you guys

Tiwi x

My Hair

source: brotherpeackmaker.wordpress.com

I have never been a hair girl. I don't have any idea how to take care of it and I think the only time I had nice hair was in year 13. Relaxed hair, natural, weave, pick n drop you name it. It always goes wrong...

After watching the documentary black hair by Chris Rock, I decided never to use relaxer in my hair. There's a part in the documentary where correct me if I am wrong a coke can is put in some relaxer or is it sodium hydroxide and the can is completely eaten up by the stuff .

I couldn't get the video I wanted so here is the link 

I've been thinking about going natural for a year now. I am in a transition state. I stopped relaxing my hair last year in June. And I will be chopping my hair of come spring... My decision was ruled by the fact that my hair was falling out anyway. Relaxers where just not working out.

Come March I will be cutting my hair and my quest for natural beauty will begin. I have been researching on this believe me. I have watched countless you tube videos. Read countless blog posts. I will be trying out different things on my hair. I know a little bit about where i was going wrong with my hair care regime * I didn't have one to be quite honest*

Hopefully I will be documenting my hair journey. I hope i can learn a lot for this experience. Might even get locks in a few years who knows?

Wish me luck ....

The Good old days

Take me back to those good old days

when you were you and i was me

when you were yourself and had an identity

When we we individuals

young , free , unjaded by the world

When you were happy to be yourself and share with the world

before envy, jealousy and hate prevaded your soul.

Right to that very second before you changed from my friend to my enemy

I miss you old friend and wherever you are I hope you come back

Get back to being that carefree, happy young person I knew.

I love you and hope to God you come back soon

So we can be that family or at least that close friend you once were