Life : Discovering yourself

Life is an interesting journey. I  believe that when we are children we are raw forms of ourselves. Untamed and innocence wrapped in a tiny body. We push the boundaries and aren't afraid to be who we are or voice our opinions. But then the world steps in, bringing with it a whole host of insecurities and self doubt we go into a stage of seeking approval from everyone but ourselves. Without realising we start living for others and not who we are ( some people never actually stop doing that)

From listening to my two teenage sisters, I can say that teenagers of today are highly plagued with too many expectations of what other people think they should be. It's sad really because you have to in essences deny who you are or some parts of yourself to be  be in with the group. Conformity can be a pain but it is necessary.

Now you are probably wondering. 'Where are you going with this Tiwi?'

The other day I came to a somewhat obvious realisation. I always used to naively believe that what people showed me was them being their true self, but upon reflection I have realised that alot of people show you a part of themselves that they only want you to see.  I think I've touched on this subject before, but alot of people wear masks. Myself included. But some people take it to the next level. When I look back on my short life I realise that alot of people who I used to believe were my friends where just showing me what I wanted to see. The good thing is people's intentions for you usual surface in the end and unluckily for me I have been back stabbed too many times to count. And like a true glutton for this kind of punishment I didn't learn my lesson the first time it happened . Every time this would happen I would block it out of my head mentally and move on. However after 22 years of taking it to the back I finally realised that I have got to stop allowing this to happen to myself. Sometimes I think that people take my openness about myself as weakness. I can be painfully brutally open sometimes and very free with my opinions. I honestly believed that everyone was like this until recently.

At this point in my life I reevaluated my life and found that people I can count as my true friends are less than a dozen people. I also realised that I have to stop being so trusting. I mean when I am open with people they use that to make me a laughing stalk. So I am done with that.Not that i'm joing thw world of fakery not at all. I am just going to do more listening than talking and I will guard what I say around people especially those that don't know me like that. On this note I can honestly say that the thought of making new friends isn't a thing I relish anymore. I am at this moment sceptical about trusting anyone alien in my life. I have met some great and honest people who I found have been through the same expierence as me. I would rather keep new people  at arms length than make an effort to try and get to know someone who will later throw everything about me back in my face. I really would love to know why people do this? It is truely beyond me...

Sometimes I really wish we were more like children. Honest and true to ourselves and those around us. I really do envy the richness of their life expierences.

I know my usual posts are somewhat happy. But this is more like one big question to myself and you guys I guess. Do I keep being myself  , open and trusting of people? or do I stop it ? I am worried that the latter will change me but to be honest I am willing to explore this option as being open in the past has allowed alot  of nonsense to happen in my life. Also by being more quiet and listening as well as observing I am perhaps learning the new skill of looking behind pretentious masks.

On that note I will end here as I can think of nothing productive to say for now.

Let me know what you think?

Tiwi x

Discovering genuine salvation : My testiomny

Today my life changed. Forever.
Now people don't like to talk about God or their walk with God. But I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not afraid to admit that God is in charge.
To me he simply is in the drivers seat. I am but a vessel that takes instruction from him.
Before today I would have quitely admitted that I believe in God. But I just have so much joy about him in my life I want to share it with the world.
With God in my life, I feel light old burdens that used to hold me down are the furthest thing from my mind. I can't contain my joy. But first I will share my story with you

I can not describe in words what has happened to me. I am simply compelled to share my joy in this matter. I will be writing about my walk. Encouraging verses and maybe start a video blog about this. Keep watching this space.

God Bless
Peace and happiness
Tiwi x

What I am listening to

Hello beautiful people. It's friday today . Now I know most of you are jumping for joy, I'm curling up in a ball and wondering what I'm going to do with myself. These days I am soooo busy and I feel so overwhelmed. I'm in my final year of uni and not loving the work load :(

Despite the doom and gloom,  music is still keeping me sane and I just thought I should share with you guys what I'm loving at the moment.

1) When I was in Swaziland on holiday. Channel O introduced me to an awesome band called The Muffinz. I am hooked to their music. It's refreshing so refreshing I will buy their album and I want the CD not to buy it online. This is how much I love thier music. I'll share 2 of their music videos :

 

this song is called 'the ghetto' and I love the message.

 

The second song is called ' Have you head'.

 

2) Not only do I love Solange's style and hair. I've always loved her music. I think she is under rated. I love her new song ' Losing you'. The song is not only refreshing the video is beautiful. It was shot in Capetown ( yay Africa). Check it out:

 

3) I found out about this next song, while blog stalking. Wynter Gordon's take on Hugh Musakela's Stimela. I'm in two minds about her version. I love it because it's african inspired however the chorus which is in zulu isn't done very well. (I'm not good at being a critic)... I still love her version don't get me wrong.  The video is awesome as well.I will put up Wynter's version and the original

 

 

 

4) Lately I've been rediscovering neo soul. I don't know what it is about that genre of music but it just soothes me . I could go on and on about it. Lately I've been into India Arie, Calvin Richardson and Anthony Davids. If you haven't listened to any of these musicians prepare to be entertained. i'll start with India Arie. I found this documentary she did in Brazil where she basically performed her songs live in different places.

 

 

 

 

 

Calvin Richardson. If you have watched 'Deliver us from Eva' then you will have heard the song 'more than a woman' . I love this man's music. I just wish more people would listen to it.

I will let you discover the rest of Calvin's music on your own ;). He's music is beautiful and I would encourage you to explore it.

 

 

 

Anthony Davids. One time back up singer for India Arie. He's music is simply beautiful. I love the way he sings about love. I will share a few of his songs.

I love how this video expresses love and marriage. It's beautiful.

 

 

Listen to this song. This is simply about when a man sees a beautiful lady in a club. This is a refreshing take on this particular expierence. Very sensual

 

6) This next song is by Mary J Blidge and is offically my feel good song. 'Just fine'

 

7) I literally saw this today. It's a new song by Emeli Sande and Labrinth called ' beneath your beauty'. I love it

 

Last but not least I've been listening to alot of gospel music. It is very motivational for me personally and it helps me with worship and praise. Here are a few inspiring songs

Kirk franklin : Declaration

 

James Fortune and Fiya : I believe

 

Marvin Sapp : You are God Alone

 

Fred Hammond: No Weapon

Welll that's all for today folks. I hope you enjoy this post. Let me know what you think. Have a lovely weekend.

Love and happiness

Tiwi x

 



Updating this space

I have so much to share with you guys. Please be prepared for the mental onslaught of the many things I have been thinking and writing.

Here are some things you should prepare to see:

• more things on life
• poetry
• short stories
• things about my culture
• hair journey
• music
• and lots more

many loves
Tiwi x

Let's talk about :anger

Anger is something we all have to deal with at one point in our lives. From short bursts of anger to rages that take time to brew. Short bursts of anger all the time can be damaging for you as an individual because they can lead to violence; my advice would be to realise what triggers these outbursts and figure out the best way to deal with them. I personally have found that God is my most effective medicine. Now I know some people don't believe in HIM and are skeptics . But I do and it works for me. Anger is something that controls you, it can eat you up and change you into an ugly person. Believe me I have been there , done that and have more than 1 t-shirt to show for those disgusting moments.

I can recall a recent event. It was sometime in May and I was going through my first break up ( which was complicated and very painful) I was angry. I was enraged and I spoilt my friend's confirmation because of that . What basically happened is : I was the camera lady for the day , but where I was sitting in the cathedral didn't allow me to take clear pictures of my friend on what should've been one of the best days of  her life. Two lovely older ladies tried to advice me to move to an area where I could get pictures of my friend and I carelessly snapped at them that  was fine where i was sitting and i didn't want to move. I didn't even stop and think that I was being extremely rude but a friend tried to correct me and I basically went H.A.M on her in a church! I had a hushed moment of telling her exactly where to go with her 'that was so rude moment'.Needless this was really a low point in my life. I am not proud of it. However I did apologise the next day to the two lovely ladies and I got the best gift  from them. One of the ladies talked to me about my anger, she knew things about me that I haven't told a soul and she prayed for me and blessed me with healing from GOD. Since that day I have started changing. A lot of positive things are happening in my life and I have definitely seen a different more positive side of myself I didn't know existed.

Long standing anger isn't worth holding onto . Especially if it is with another person. By holding onto your anger towards this person or people, you are allowing them to control your life while they forget about you and move on with theirs. A friend of mine told me the other day ' don't rent out your space in your mind to someone who doesn't matter, you're allowing them to reside in your mind rent free'. Anger leads to hate and hate leads to you being bitter and a person that people try to avoid. Forgiving the person who hurt you is the best medicine, because : a) you choose to let go of them and therefore forget about them and b) you learn so much about yourself and you expierence personal growth which is a beautiful thing.

My pastor once said in a sermon 'anger is like a rotten stinking shoe' lol at that one I know. But he was right. When your angry you will tend to walk around looking like you are in pain  (it's not like experiencing anger is sweet, it hurts!), and you will take it out on other people around you most likely the people closest to you. Anger leads to hate which leads to bitterness and stunted growth as an individual. You not only hurt yourself but those around you. You can be so  blinded that you will not realise the opportunity for positive changes in your life or personal growth.  Some people ( me included) dwell in situations that are negative and keep rehushing the bad things that have happened to them over and over again. I call it the 'oh woe is me' complex. Dwelling in that situation will not help you. I don't know what verbs , adjectives or nouns I could use to emphasize this point. All I can tell you as someone who formerly had this problem is that it will hold you back in progressing and reaching your full potential. You will be so busy dwelling in your moment that you will let life and all those good opportunities pass you by.

In summary :

• Anger isn't worth it guys. Let it go and enjoy the rest of your life.
•  And remeber that there is always someone out there whose situation is worse than yours.
• Stop dwelling in your negative situation and start living your life
• Forgive . Let go and let flow ( it works I promise you)
• Be happy  there are people that love you. And even if you don't believe in HIM God does love you
• And lastly if you really must dwell .Dwell in today not yesterday.

On that note. I would love to hear feedback from you guys. What are your thoughts on this

Love, peace and happiness

The new reinvented Tiwi x

Confidence and Self esteem (SCE)

source  

I don't know where to start when it comes to discussing this topic. So I will just go right away and dive  into it. I will start by giving my definition of a lack of self esteem and self confidence : a lack of faith in one's self which will have an affect on abilities and capabilities of an individual.

Anecdote of my life 

Confidence and Self Esteem  have always been a problem in my life. When I was younger I actually believed I was ugly. My siblings will testify to the fact that I identified with Quasimodo ( the hunch back of Notre Dame). I always stayed out of the spot light and I have struggled with shyness throughout my life, which people often mistake for rudeness. I am terrified of public embarrassment , I think I could actually collapse if I was publicly humiliated.

 I personally  believe it is important to accept our weakness as well as our strengths, by achieving this balance we know our capabilities and can fulfill our full potential.

Physical beauty was never my forte, I will not lie. My only 100% assurance was that I was intelligent, otherwise I couldn't necessarily be counted as one of the raving beauties of my time. I was an awkward pre teen and I think the awkwardness lasted for a long time. It didn't help that people around me used to call me ugly. On this point I would strongly advice you to surround yourself with positive people. I can't stress this point enough. Positive people have that rubbing off effect. You are more likely to become a more positive and hope filled person.

 My lack of self confidence only got worse when I gained weight. In my teens I was a size 6/8 and had what a lot of people referred to as a beautiful body , but in my late teens my doctor put me on the pill for medical reasons. I went from a size 8 to an alarming size 14 in a space of  3 months and I continued to pile on the weight. I a m currently a size 16/18. I have learnt to love my body with all it's bumps and lumps. I do this by focusing on my good points and paying little attention to the parts I do not like. I have also learnt how to dress for my size, despite getting it wrong sometimes I think I am doing a pretty good job.

So what is the point of me pouring out one of my darkest secrets?
 A lack of of confidence is what I can closely describe is self -doubt. It affects all aspects of your life. The opportunities you take, the friends you make and the quality of your life and even how people perceive you.When you have a lack of self confidence and self esteem you project it in your everyday life. People will see this and they may not take you seriously. Even if you wanted to take on a serious project or do something meaningful I doubt that you would be able to do it to the best of your ability because you will second guess everything you do.

 Life is like a market where you sell yourself as a product. You market who you are to everyone you come in contact with daily. If you can't convince yourself that you are worth it , beautiful, intelligent , ambitious you name it then it will be very difficult to convince other people the same thing. A lack of self confidence will reproduce indecisiveness, laziness, anti-social behavior  a negative mind, depression and many more like characteristics.

What am I doing to improve my Self Confidence and Esteem 

1) This is advice from a girl struggling with the same problem. To be honest in my case I am dealing with my issues by delving into a deeper relationship with God. Not a lot of people would openly want to admit this but I am not ashamed of my beliefs. God is central to everything in my life ( or a least I am attempting to make him my center). It is hard at times, but it is getting easier and easier because I can just give it up to God.

2) As I already mentioned surround yourself with positive people who give you constructive criticism. However learn to stand on your own , by identifying with your own personal views

3) Me time : Now I personally love to be surrounded by my friends a lot, but it is important to take sometime to yourself, where you think about your life and reflect. Do something, like read a book, paint your nails or just get creative.

4) I read somewhere that exercise and a healthy diet go hand in hand with feeling good about  yourself. I am not sure how true this is but it makes sense. When I make myself do exercise (which is once in a blue moon) I feel energized after. This is something I will be taking on.

5) wear outfits that compliment your body. Looking good will make you feel good and you will radiate positive I love myself vibes.

6) Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Do this and believe it as you say it to yourself.

On my personal road to gaining SCE

 In the next 2 years I would love to blossom, cease being shy, be more confident in my abilities and put myself out there more. Another thing I am doing is joining the gym and exercising to be healthy. If in the process I lose weight then so be it. I will also challenge myself to eat more healthy.

I would love to be a motivational speaker for people struggling with this issue. I feel that once you have experienced something you can relate to others and know where to start from.

One  last tangent note :True confidence starts from working inwards, work on those things first and you will blossom. I am already seeing some progress I have made, but I want the full package. I know I will achieve my goals. How can I fail with God on my side?

Until my next thoughts

Love
Tiwi x

Snap judgement

One thing I am learning this year is patience.
I realised this year that I am not a very impatient person. For one if I fancied a guy I would go up to him and let him know. I learnt the hard way that I will personally never let a guy know I like him unless he does the chasing and I am 100% sure that they have clearly stated their intentions.

Believe me I do not ever want to look back and regret my decisions, because
a) I have to live with myself and I can't run away from me
and b) do you know that you are your own worst critic and have to deal with the consequences of your choices?

So no snap judgments. I don't know about you guys, but I am the sort of person who can think about doing something for a long time and then on a random day decide to go ahead with the plan. Usually when I am not ready mentally to deal with things. This is how I started this blog, I didn't really think about it. I just did it.

Now this is a good and bad thing in my opinion. Why do I say this. Because you are really motivated when you start out and will have that drive and push to go for it. However if you haven't really thought about what you are getting yourself into you might lose interest in your venture. So I have learnt to think carefully of what I get myself into and how to make good balanced decisions.

Snap judgement can pan out if you are sure you have the drive and motivation to do carry on with the course of action you have taken. However , I am going to try out this patience thing and maybe, just maybe it will help me stop living in my head and start living my life.

I would really be interested in knowing what you guys think. Let me know

Tiwi x