Let's talk about it : All men are bad.?

Bet the title made you think uh huh Tiwi is at it again. Bashing men and blah blah blah . Well keep reading you just  might be surprised...

I am sure you have heard a lot of women dish out this phrase or something similar 'All men are bad'. I'm sorry I can't join you on that bandwagon. As my Nigerian friends would say ' It is not my portion in Jesus name'.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy that there is someone for everyone. The one, soul mates, you name it. How did I become this firm believer in love and happy endings? Simple. I was once  the opposite... Yes I was the bitter one. You know the girl in the friendship group who always had something negative to say about the male species  and relationships. I was the whoa betidder  ( yes I just made up a word, I'm allowed). If you came to me about your relationship problems or men in general I had  generic answers ready to dish out: Leave him and be single forever. Men are not worth it or meeh he's male what do you expect and other colorful ones I refuse point blank to remember. Believe me, when you have been to the other side you can appreciate the optimism that come with new thinking.

I believe that women who believe that all men are bad need to take a closer look at themselves. You need to re evaluate yourself and your life if you keep attracting ' all the bad men'. One thing we often do as human beings is blame other people for our mistakes instead of taking the responsibility for our actions and choices. ( You did after all say yes before hand. He didn't kidnap you and force you to endure his badness)

To help you understand what I mean by 'self evaluation'.  I will do my own self evaluation before I changed my views on men:

I honestly believed I would never date. While all my friends were discovering boys in their teens. I was dealing with rejection from boys I 'imagined' liked me ( if I could tell you guys the stories I 'm sure you would be rolling on the floor laughing). The rejections had a major impact oh how I related with boys and men and caused a lot of confusion in my life from about 13 till I was about 17 . At 18 I washed my hands of men completely ( sniggering) and resigned to a life of spinsterhood. I didn't have the 'awkward dating when your a teen experience'. I just watched my friends go through the experience and wrote it off for myself. This was part of the of the reason why I had such a negative outlook on men. Believe me it caused a lot of unnecessary problems and depression. I felt ugly , bitter and angry.

Let me break down my life anecdote and lets evaluate where I went wrong:

1) I was painfully awkward
2) I had no confidence or self esteem and would shy away from people
3) My body language always sent out the wrong signals such as ' go away I don't like you'
4) I gave up on myself before I could even try ( Wish   I had tried)
5) I never made an effort with how I looked at all. ( Even Cinderella knew she would't bag the prince in a ragged maid clothes and dirt on her face)
6) My personality seemed off putting because I always said outrageous things ( I though it made me cool at the time... biggest mistake of my life but I've learnt from it).

Problems: It was all me. When I look back and think about how crazy I must have looked I chuckle. All these things made me very unattractive. Expecting prince charming to read through all that self destruction was really unrealistic. The problem with shedding this persona, was she was so ingrained in me it's taken years to get rid of her. To this day I'm still shedding her off.

No. I am not in love or in like at the moment. A guy didn't change my perspective on the opposite sex. In fact my brush with attempted dating/relationship has ranged from down right weird to painful and  bewildered Tiwi. I had to change on my own (ish). If you think for a second that prince charming will come on his white stallion to sweep you off  your feet before you change yourself and your thinking... then please invite me to the film premiere of the auto biography of your happily ever after. Notice such things only happen in Disney animations and rom/coms. It's harsh but we do live in a cruel world.

 This is what happened to me:

•  Firstly I found God ( Yes I keep mentioning this) but God in my life is what has been responsible for changing the way I think and my outlook on life. HE has given me hope that he is molding me for the perfect man and that my future husband is being molded for me somewhere out there. 
• I just got tired if thinking all men where this and that. I also did a simple exercise  I just turned the tables. What if ( and I know there are) some guy felt the same way I used to feel with regards to the opposite sex.
• Hope won the fight against negative Tiwi. 

Me today:

I am actually excited. I can't wait to finally be with my future husband. I want 5 kids so I hope he is prepared. I want him to be different from me. I want to learn from him and I want to teach him as well.

The number 1 thing is God should be the center of his life. The rest can follow after. I can't wait to be with him. (Yes I am that excited about a man I haven't even met yet, it's crazy).

Meanwhile, I will be working on myself. I want to know what love is ( no not the song, actual love). I want to understand marriage ( because when I say I do it will be for life) and I want to be the best person I can be for him.

In summary

Being negative about finding a good man consumes you. Because you literally fight with hope and hope doesn't desert you just like that.  The best way I can describe this is like tearing yourself into two parts. That sounds painful right? Another thing is being so negative erodes any good feelings you have about yourself, because you will be too busy thinking about 'where have all the good men gone?' ...which leaves room for vulnerability and therefore space for  all so douche baggy men to come into your life.  Another thing is if you believe so strongly that all men are bad then that is what you will get honey. There is power in the words you say and your thoughts. You will also make excuses for any waste men that manage to worm their way into your life. And they will hold on to you.

All in all you are setting  yourself up for a big painful fall. Re-evaluate yourself before you make up your mind about'all' men.

I hope someone finds this helpful. Please feel free to comment

Love

Tiwi x

Birthday month = Reflection

Hello lovely people.

I have so much to share with you. Now I think I have probably said this a couple of times. But this blog is a way of me reflecting on my life and building my character. If you don't like open honesty or reading about people's ideas on life then I suggest you stop reading now.

I turned 23 on the 1st of November ( birthdays always make me reflect on my life) . This doesn't bother me at all because my life is currently in a transition stage  ( to be honest with you guys I think we are always in transition). 2012 for me has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been full of oxymoron's. From high heights to low lows; I finally understand something  my daddy always used to say to me : 'My girl if you come out of university the same person you started as then you haven't experienced life'. It true oh. It is true.

The highlight of my life is that I finally found Jesus for real this time. I won't lie it was an exhilarating experience when it happened. But I have been struggling. 1) because I am a perfectionist and can not stand the idea of getting anything wrong and 2) It is a bit scary, I won't lie. I am scared of going wrong and when I catch myself thinking or doing the wrong thing I really feel like a failure. But one thing occurred to me. In order to grow in my faith I have got to learn how to forgive myself. God forgives me every time I get things wrong and talk to him about it. So why can't I learnt to forgive myself and learn from those experiences?

I also  realized something. I constantly talk about  us as human beings being our own worst critics and I have found that this is exactly what I was putting myself through. Whereas  part of me  used to blame other people for putting me down ,in hindsight I  realized that I was doing the bulk of the criticizing and tearing apart. Allowing myself to languish in guilt about getting anything wrong. I used to focus of the negative aspects of a bad situation now I try to see how I can work through that bad situation and learn from it; lately I have found myself smiling even when I feel like the world is crashing around me. Laughing when I am crying and enjoying small luxuries.... sun rise while I'm working on a last minute deadline.

I am also so tired of fighting with myself. These days I don't have that kind of energy to tear myself down or to take that time out to dissect  this or that behavior  I am simply just too tired for that. I have matured from that definitely ( by force yes ), it has become something I can not simply stand doing. There are just too many things going on in terms of school and just life for me to sit down and breaking myself apart.

Things i realized upon refection :

• A big part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. So you made a mistake...  beating yourself up about it will not help you. Forgiving yourself is guaranteed to help you learn something from that situation. Holding on to your mistake only holds you back.
• Don't take everything that happens in your life too personal. That requires way too much energy which you can simply invest in other aspects of your life that help you grow. You will burn out if you keep going on like that
• Changing yourself doesn't happen over night. It is a long process. Like a journey with many turns and lessons.
• don't be your own worst critic  The world does that enough for you. Be your own fan club ( without the arrogance please). Reflect on what you have achieved not the shoulda,woulda,couldas of life.

That girl

This is a poem for that girl.
That girl who smiles with her mouth and not her eyes
That girl who has so many dreams but so little faith in herself
That confused girl who forgot to leave her past behind and grow up
Or maybe she simply didn't know how to leave it. Let go and let flow.

That girl who doesn't think she is beautiful. Constantly plagued with her own insecurities and the almost impossible standards she sets out for herself.
That girl who hides those scars, those black and blue marks she claims as her only trophies
That girl who is caged behind their expectations for her
Those girls who are expected to be nothing less than a super woman.

This poem is for those girl's who are going through something.
That girl who has prevailed.
She took those plows you handed to her metaphysical being.
That girl refuses to give in. She is strong despite wanting to call it a day
She keeps on breathing
She keeps on living.
She keeps on taking those steps. One at a time.

That girl is timeless. She is an experience all women must learn.
She is your insecurities, your doubt, your lack of self confidence.
She is that weakness, that is so weak she forces you to grow in strength,
She can be your greatest weakness or your greatest  success story.

That girl... you know her. She is in every woman and girl.

African ideologies of dating, marriage and relationships in the 21st century? part 1

This is hopefully going to be an interesting post that gets people talking. I have a few questions about how Africans (including myself) look at relationships.

You are probably wondering why I am interested in this? I have been reading a few articles that made me quite angry at first. Then they made me laugh then very perplexed. 

I should probably start off by saying what I personally believe any kind of relationship between a man and a woman should entail.

A relationship to me means an equal partnership. It is a partnership that two people who love each other enter Things like mutual respect and similar beliefs should carry more weight than a woman doing the domestic cores.
 

For some naive reason I thought we live in the 21st century,  where women have rights, can get an education and therefore have a career. Therefore I assumed that the dynamics of the old age women's place is the kitchen have evolved to a system that helps both man and woman . However when I read a number of articles on 'why a lot of ..... women (mostly African countries) will never get married in their lives ever'. I was genuinely shocked and appalled ,by not only the writer but the responses from the readers. According to the article in question. Women's rights have 'destroyed' women.  I will have to quote this writer who without shame said that women having the mentality that whatever men can do women can do better is and I quote ' a lie from the devil'. Apparently we ( we being women)are all vapid and only concern with buying expensive things ( mind you this money he was referring to is money we have earned ourselves)and painting our faces. We dress too provocative and have no respect. The writer suggested that women should not have facebook or twitter because no 'respectable man' would want to marry a woman who has more than 1000 friends on facebook. Or a woman who spends her time on bbm or recieves too many phonecalls....

 This is what made me laugh the hardest : According to the article ( which I will link at the end of this) women today refuse to cook and clean , run bath water and blah blah blah for their husbands(or wanna be husband/ husband in waiting). Which is why we will never get married or get cheated on. A female reader asked if women should resort to applying our faces with Vaseline, wearing robes and being uneducated to keep a 'responsible man'. I am with her on that line because I really don't get it? Should I be wearing those dirty robes with Vaseline on my face, while standing at attention waiting for instructions from my all so knowledgeable husband and master if I want him to stick around?

I genuinely am seeking answers because the last time I checked we live in the 21st century;  Is cooking, cleaning, saluting a man with yes sir, playing down our intelligence , and helping a man achieve HIS GOALS AND DREAMS really what we as women should aim to be or do in order to get married? Is that it really?We as women have to make all the sacrifices and live according to what makes our man feel less insecure while looking like  Beyonce  ( well as less made up version) .We can't be more successful than them because we will 'not respect them'  and  we won't do our 'DUTY' as wives or prosective wives? 0_o...

Another thing that makes me laugh is how people look at marriage as if your life is over if you don't have a husband? Is it now? Is someones value as a human being really measured by marriage. I am not in any way slumming marriage . I just think people should get married for the right reasons not because society expects them to or for any kind of 'social standing'. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic but whatever happened to love and mutual respect, and similar values being what a marriage should be based on? 

Now I am not saying that women who choose to do the things I have mentioned above are wrong. That is them and if it makes them happy then so be it. However some women myself included do not want to do that. No I don't lack home training or whatever you might choose to call it. I just think that they dynamics of marriage have changed; it is not my DUTY  to cook for you and whatever you think I should be doing as a 'good little wife. It is a privileged. I want a partner not a master. If I want to do all those things for a man it should be because I want to not because I have to do in order to ensure he stays faithful to me or even sticks around. According to that article and it's responses men have wives to unburden their domestic life and provide unlimited sex 0_o.We should all return to the 7th century were women stayed at home taking care of home and child while men hunted and gathered food.

I could go on forever about this. Alas there is too much to say and this topic is inexhaustible.

Please read the article I am referring to here .

I would love to know what you guys think about the questions I have raised as well as what you think about the article.

Thank you for reading

Tiwi x

Life : Discovering yourself

Life is an interesting journey. I  believe that when we are children we are raw forms of ourselves. Untamed and innocence wrapped in a tiny body. We push the boundaries and aren't afraid to be who we are or voice our opinions. But then the world steps in, bringing with it a whole host of insecurities and self doubt we go into a stage of seeking approval from everyone but ourselves. Without realising we start living for others and not who we are ( some people never actually stop doing that)

From listening to my two teenage sisters, I can say that teenagers of today are highly plagued with too many expectations of what other people think they should be. It's sad really because you have to in essences deny who you are or some parts of yourself to be  be in with the group. Conformity can be a pain but it is necessary.

Now you are probably wondering. 'Where are you going with this Tiwi?'

The other day I came to a somewhat obvious realisation. I always used to naively believe that what people showed me was them being their true self, but upon reflection I have realised that alot of people show you a part of themselves that they only want you to see.  I think I've touched on this subject before, but alot of people wear masks. Myself included. But some people take it to the next level. When I look back on my short life I realise that alot of people who I used to believe were my friends where just showing me what I wanted to see. The good thing is people's intentions for you usual surface in the end and unluckily for me I have been back stabbed too many times to count. And like a true glutton for this kind of punishment I didn't learn my lesson the first time it happened . Every time this would happen I would block it out of my head mentally and move on. However after 22 years of taking it to the back I finally realised that I have got to stop allowing this to happen to myself. Sometimes I think that people take my openness about myself as weakness. I can be painfully brutally open sometimes and very free with my opinions. I honestly believed that everyone was like this until recently.

At this point in my life I reevaluated my life and found that people I can count as my true friends are less than a dozen people. I also realised that I have to stop being so trusting. I mean when I am open with people they use that to make me a laughing stalk. So I am done with that.Not that i'm joing thw world of fakery not at all. I am just going to do more listening than talking and I will guard what I say around people especially those that don't know me like that. On this note I can honestly say that the thought of making new friends isn't a thing I relish anymore. I am at this moment sceptical about trusting anyone alien in my life. I have met some great and honest people who I found have been through the same expierence as me. I would rather keep new people  at arms length than make an effort to try and get to know someone who will later throw everything about me back in my face. I really would love to know why people do this? It is truely beyond me...

Sometimes I really wish we were more like children. Honest and true to ourselves and those around us. I really do envy the richness of their life expierences.

I know my usual posts are somewhat happy. But this is more like one big question to myself and you guys I guess. Do I keep being myself  , open and trusting of people? or do I stop it ? I am worried that the latter will change me but to be honest I am willing to explore this option as being open in the past has allowed alot  of nonsense to happen in my life. Also by being more quiet and listening as well as observing I am perhaps learning the new skill of looking behind pretentious masks.

On that note I will end here as I can think of nothing productive to say for now.

Let me know what you think?

Tiwi x

Discovering genuine salvation : My testiomny

Today my life changed. Forever.
Now people don't like to talk about God or their walk with God. But I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not afraid to admit that God is in charge.
To me he simply is in the drivers seat. I am but a vessel that takes instruction from him.
Before today I would have quitely admitted that I believe in God. But I just have so much joy about him in my life I want to share it with the world.
With God in my life, I feel light old burdens that used to hold me down are the furthest thing from my mind. I can't contain my joy. But first I will share my story with you

I can not describe in words what has happened to me. I am simply compelled to share my joy in this matter. I will be writing about my walk. Encouraging verses and maybe start a video blog about this. Keep watching this space.

God Bless
Peace and happiness
Tiwi x

What I am listening to

Hello beautiful people. It's friday today . Now I know most of you are jumping for joy, I'm curling up in a ball and wondering what I'm going to do with myself. These days I am soooo busy and I feel so overwhelmed. I'm in my final year of uni and not loving the work load :(

Despite the doom and gloom,  music is still keeping me sane and I just thought I should share with you guys what I'm loving at the moment.

1) When I was in Swaziland on holiday. Channel O introduced me to an awesome band called The Muffinz. I am hooked to their music. It's refreshing so refreshing I will buy their album and I want the CD not to buy it online. This is how much I love thier music. I'll share 2 of their music videos :

 

this song is called 'the ghetto' and I love the message.

 

The second song is called ' Have you head'.

 

2) Not only do I love Solange's style and hair. I've always loved her music. I think she is under rated. I love her new song ' Losing you'. The song is not only refreshing the video is beautiful. It was shot in Capetown ( yay Africa). Check it out:

 

3) I found out about this next song, while blog stalking. Wynter Gordon's take on Hugh Musakela's Stimela. I'm in two minds about her version. I love it because it's african inspired however the chorus which is in zulu isn't done very well. (I'm not good at being a critic)... I still love her version don't get me wrong.  The video is awesome as well.I will put up Wynter's version and the original

 

 

 

4) Lately I've been rediscovering neo soul. I don't know what it is about that genre of music but it just soothes me . I could go on and on about it. Lately I've been into India Arie, Calvin Richardson and Anthony Davids. If you haven't listened to any of these musicians prepare to be entertained. i'll start with India Arie. I found this documentary she did in Brazil where she basically performed her songs live in different places.

 

 

 

 

 

Calvin Richardson. If you have watched 'Deliver us from Eva' then you will have heard the song 'more than a woman' . I love this man's music. I just wish more people would listen to it.

I will let you discover the rest of Calvin's music on your own ;). He's music is beautiful and I would encourage you to explore it.

 

 

 

Anthony Davids. One time back up singer for India Arie. He's music is simply beautiful. I love the way he sings about love. I will share a few of his songs.

I love how this video expresses love and marriage. It's beautiful.

 

 

Listen to this song. This is simply about when a man sees a beautiful lady in a club. This is a refreshing take on this particular expierence. Very sensual

 

6) This next song is by Mary J Blidge and is offically my feel good song. 'Just fine'

 

7) I literally saw this today. It's a new song by Emeli Sande and Labrinth called ' beneath your beauty'. I love it

 

Last but not least I've been listening to alot of gospel music. It is very motivational for me personally and it helps me with worship and praise. Here are a few inspiring songs

Kirk franklin : Declaration

 

James Fortune and Fiya : I believe

 

Marvin Sapp : You are God Alone

 

Fred Hammond: No Weapon

Welll that's all for today folks. I hope you enjoy this post. Let me know what you think. Have a lovely weekend.

Love and happiness

Tiwi x

 



Updating this space

I have so much to share with you guys. Please be prepared for the mental onslaught of the many things I have been thinking and writing.

Here are some things you should prepare to see:

• more things on life
• poetry
• short stories
• things about my culture
• hair journey
• music
• and lots more

many loves
Tiwi x

Let's talk about :anger

Anger is something we all have to deal with at one point in our lives. From short bursts of anger to rages that take time to brew. Short bursts of anger all the time can be damaging for you as an individual because they can lead to violence; my advice would be to realise what triggers these outbursts and figure out the best way to deal with them. I personally have found that God is my most effective medicine. Now I know some people don't believe in HIM and are skeptics . But I do and it works for me. Anger is something that controls you, it can eat you up and change you into an ugly person. Believe me I have been there , done that and have more than 1 t-shirt to show for those disgusting moments.

I can recall a recent event. It was sometime in May and I was going through my first break up ( which was complicated and very painful) I was angry. I was enraged and I spoilt my friend's confirmation because of that . What basically happened is : I was the camera lady for the day , but where I was sitting in the cathedral didn't allow me to take clear pictures of my friend on what should've been one of the best days of  her life. Two lovely older ladies tried to advice me to move to an area where I could get pictures of my friend and I carelessly snapped at them that  was fine where i was sitting and i didn't want to move. I didn't even stop and think that I was being extremely rude but a friend tried to correct me and I basically went H.A.M on her in a church! I had a hushed moment of telling her exactly where to go with her 'that was so rude moment'.Needless this was really a low point in my life. I am not proud of it. However I did apologise the next day to the two lovely ladies and I got the best gift  from them. One of the ladies talked to me about my anger, she knew things about me that I haven't told a soul and she prayed for me and blessed me with healing from GOD. Since that day I have started changing. A lot of positive things are happening in my life and I have definitely seen a different more positive side of myself I didn't know existed.

Long standing anger isn't worth holding onto . Especially if it is with another person. By holding onto your anger towards this person or people, you are allowing them to control your life while they forget about you and move on with theirs. A friend of mine told me the other day ' don't rent out your space in your mind to someone who doesn't matter, you're allowing them to reside in your mind rent free'. Anger leads to hate and hate leads to you being bitter and a person that people try to avoid. Forgiving the person who hurt you is the best medicine, because : a) you choose to let go of them and therefore forget about them and b) you learn so much about yourself and you expierence personal growth which is a beautiful thing.

My pastor once said in a sermon 'anger is like a rotten stinking shoe' lol at that one I know. But he was right. When your angry you will tend to walk around looking like you are in pain  (it's not like experiencing anger is sweet, it hurts!), and you will take it out on other people around you most likely the people closest to you. Anger leads to hate which leads to bitterness and stunted growth as an individual. You not only hurt yourself but those around you. You can be so  blinded that you will not realise the opportunity for positive changes in your life or personal growth.  Some people ( me included) dwell in situations that are negative and keep rehushing the bad things that have happened to them over and over again. I call it the 'oh woe is me' complex. Dwelling in that situation will not help you. I don't know what verbs , adjectives or nouns I could use to emphasize this point. All I can tell you as someone who formerly had this problem is that it will hold you back in progressing and reaching your full potential. You will be so busy dwelling in your moment that you will let life and all those good opportunities pass you by.

In summary :

• Anger isn't worth it guys. Let it go and enjoy the rest of your life.
•  And remeber that there is always someone out there whose situation is worse than yours.
• Stop dwelling in your negative situation and start living your life
• Forgive . Let go and let flow ( it works I promise you)
• Be happy  there are people that love you. And even if you don't believe in HIM God does love you
• And lastly if you really must dwell .Dwell in today not yesterday.

On that note. I would love to hear feedback from you guys. What are your thoughts on this

Love, peace and happiness

The new reinvented Tiwi x

Confidence and Self esteem (SCE)

source  

I don't know where to start when it comes to discussing this topic. So I will just go right away and dive  into it. I will start by giving my definition of a lack of self esteem and self confidence : a lack of faith in one's self which will have an affect on abilities and capabilities of an individual.

Anecdote of my life 

Confidence and Self Esteem  have always been a problem in my life. When I was younger I actually believed I was ugly. My siblings will testify to the fact that I identified with Quasimodo ( the hunch back of Notre Dame). I always stayed out of the spot light and I have struggled with shyness throughout my life, which people often mistake for rudeness. I am terrified of public embarrassment , I think I could actually collapse if I was publicly humiliated.

 I personally  believe it is important to accept our weakness as well as our strengths, by achieving this balance we know our capabilities and can fulfill our full potential.

Physical beauty was never my forte, I will not lie. My only 100% assurance was that I was intelligent, otherwise I couldn't necessarily be counted as one of the raving beauties of my time. I was an awkward pre teen and I think the awkwardness lasted for a long time. It didn't help that people around me used to call me ugly. On this point I would strongly advice you to surround yourself with positive people. I can't stress this point enough. Positive people have that rubbing off effect. You are more likely to become a more positive and hope filled person.

 My lack of self confidence only got worse when I gained weight. In my teens I was a size 6/8 and had what a lot of people referred to as a beautiful body , but in my late teens my doctor put me on the pill for medical reasons. I went from a size 8 to an alarming size 14 in a space of  3 months and I continued to pile on the weight. I a m currently a size 16/18. I have learnt to love my body with all it's bumps and lumps. I do this by focusing on my good points and paying little attention to the parts I do not like. I have also learnt how to dress for my size, despite getting it wrong sometimes I think I am doing a pretty good job.

So what is the point of me pouring out one of my darkest secrets?
 A lack of of confidence is what I can closely describe is self -doubt. It affects all aspects of your life. The opportunities you take, the friends you make and the quality of your life and even how people perceive you.When you have a lack of self confidence and self esteem you project it in your everyday life. People will see this and they may not take you seriously. Even if you wanted to take on a serious project or do something meaningful I doubt that you would be able to do it to the best of your ability because you will second guess everything you do.

 Life is like a market where you sell yourself as a product. You market who you are to everyone you come in contact with daily. If you can't convince yourself that you are worth it , beautiful, intelligent , ambitious you name it then it will be very difficult to convince other people the same thing. A lack of self confidence will reproduce indecisiveness, laziness, anti-social behavior  a negative mind, depression and many more like characteristics.

What am I doing to improve my Self Confidence and Esteem 

1) This is advice from a girl struggling with the same problem. To be honest in my case I am dealing with my issues by delving into a deeper relationship with God. Not a lot of people would openly want to admit this but I am not ashamed of my beliefs. God is central to everything in my life ( or a least I am attempting to make him my center). It is hard at times, but it is getting easier and easier because I can just give it up to God.

2) As I already mentioned surround yourself with positive people who give you constructive criticism. However learn to stand on your own , by identifying with your own personal views

3) Me time : Now I personally love to be surrounded by my friends a lot, but it is important to take sometime to yourself, where you think about your life and reflect. Do something, like read a book, paint your nails or just get creative.

4) I read somewhere that exercise and a healthy diet go hand in hand with feeling good about  yourself. I am not sure how true this is but it makes sense. When I make myself do exercise (which is once in a blue moon) I feel energized after. This is something I will be taking on.

5) wear outfits that compliment your body. Looking good will make you feel good and you will radiate positive I love myself vibes.

6) Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Do this and believe it as you say it to yourself.

On my personal road to gaining SCE

 In the next 2 years I would love to blossom, cease being shy, be more confident in my abilities and put myself out there more. Another thing I am doing is joining the gym and exercising to be healthy. If in the process I lose weight then so be it. I will also challenge myself to eat more healthy.

I would love to be a motivational speaker for people struggling with this issue. I feel that once you have experienced something you can relate to others and know where to start from.

One  last tangent note :True confidence starts from working inwards, work on those things first and you will blossom. I am already seeing some progress I have made, but I want the full package. I know I will achieve my goals. How can I fail with God on my side?

Until my next thoughts

Love
Tiwi x

Snap judgement

One thing I am learning this year is patience.
I realised this year that I am not a very impatient person. For one if I fancied a guy I would go up to him and let him know. I learnt the hard way that I will personally never let a guy know I like him unless he does the chasing and I am 100% sure that they have clearly stated their intentions.

Believe me I do not ever want to look back and regret my decisions, because
a) I have to live with myself and I can't run away from me
and b) do you know that you are your own worst critic and have to deal with the consequences of your choices?

So no snap judgments. I don't know about you guys, but I am the sort of person who can think about doing something for a long time and then on a random day decide to go ahead with the plan. Usually when I am not ready mentally to deal with things. This is how I started this blog, I didn't really think about it. I just did it.

Now this is a good and bad thing in my opinion. Why do I say this. Because you are really motivated when you start out and will have that drive and push to go for it. However if you haven't really thought about what you are getting yourself into you might lose interest in your venture. So I have learnt to think carefully of what I get myself into and how to make good balanced decisions.

Snap judgement can pan out if you are sure you have the drive and motivation to do carry on with the course of action you have taken. However , I am going to try out this patience thing and maybe, just maybe it will help me stop living in my head and start living my life.

I would really be interested in knowing what you guys think. Let me know

Tiwi x

Thinking about life...

This blog isn't just about poetry and music. I'd like to think it's deeper than that.
University is teaching me alot about myself. Sometimes I feel as though I'm naked and everyone can see  my flaws. Let me explain myself. I have one of those personalities where I am who I am. I don't like being disrespected by anyone. I don't care who the person is but you will get it if you disrespect me.This contradicts my up bring and people think I'm a rude angry person. I always trained myself not care what people think about me. If people didn't get me then that was their own problem as long as me myself and I were fine.

I have learnt in the most painful way that this kind of attitude doesn't get you anywhere.  It makes you unaccesible and you miss out on good people and good experiences. I'm at a cross road in my life where I have decided to change. I don't want to be looked at as that girl with an awful personality. The close people in my life know that I am not like that. God knows I am not like that but I guess I was living my life with my head in the sand like an ostrich.

Take this walk with me on my change to being a better person. I want to be the best me I can be.

If anyone comes across this and your having similar issues but you haven't decided to change let me tell you now that it is not worth it. Life is too short to be selfish and self centered. You will push people away and in the end have to live with the consequences of your behaviour. At the end of the day you cannot run away from yourself.

Tiwi x

This is just a snapshot by the way.

Pain

Pain forces maturity 

it makes you vulnerable, naked to yourself.

You can no longer hide behind that mask you put on for everybody

because you just have to face our self.

Pain can either break you or make you.

It makes you dysfunctional and tests the boundaries of your sanity.

It can consume you,

It can change form and state. 

hate, anger, loneliness, you name it.

It can be converted into energy. It makes you determined to do something.

Pain can be a driving force.

It can eat you up inside. It is like acid, eroding all the goodness to reveal the ugly unwholesome things we like to hide.

Pain brings about unwanted emotions.

Rejection.

I like to compare pain to a festering wound. Open to infections. You cannot cover it with 

a band aid, as it takes time to heal. 

Pain is all these things and more. 

Of late, pain you have been my inspiration,

my creativity

my companion.

Somehow you are always there, reminding me. You make me strong and weak.

Just like Love your friend, you are bittersweet.

Tiwi x

Love

Even though I am in the library, attempting to write up a project on water. I decided to write.

I have been through a lot  this year already and I'm just going to free style this piece.

Love.

You have made me cry, think, doubt myself.

You have caged me in my own body.

I have wished death on you, Love.

All because you trapped me in my body and mind.

For once I couldn't run away from you.

You taught me that I can deal with my emotions.

Love you taught me that you exist.

You almost broke me, you made me sob from the depths of my soul.

You almost broke me I repeat. You made my soul ache.

You were and are the growing pains of my maturity.

You forced me to grow up. Open my eyes and survey the world I had been hiding from.

You seduced me,

made me feel like I was on floaty clouds and then you disappeared on a high.

You broke my wall. You know which one!

That concrete , land mind filled one.

You taught me to care about others beyond myself.
You taught me the golden rule of patience, silences and thinking before I act.

I could go on writing about you love.

But this.This being you Love. Also told me not to give you away to just anybody.

Let me tell you a secret Love. When I was a little girl, I believed with all my heart that you did not exist for me. I Have come to realise that you do.

Love. My beautiful oxymoron.

Thank you for your recent and future lessons.

I just wrote this in a few minutes literally. These words have been swirling around in my heart for a while. I hope you find them useful.

I just thought I should share a song with you guys, that relates to this piece.

Love you guys

Tiwi x