The Phoenix month.

Well it's nearly the end of January, not quite the end but getting there :)

I am sure that you guys have realised that I never plan my posts, I just write led by inspiration. Maybe planning is something I should try out?

This has been a busy month for me and so much has changed, for instance I finished my 3rd year dissertation ( 2 days late but mehhh). I had my one and only exam and now I'm looking forward . Next stop Singapore .Yes people I'm jetting off to Singapore ( thank you beautiful geography course for the opportunity) even thought it will be school related trip , I am still excited. I can't believe I'm graduating in July. I'm excited about the future. 

One day I might tell you my future plans but for now I will hit you guys up with my resolution progress.

So far I've tackled the cooking more food res. I couldn't document it as I'm still camera-less  Yes , yes I thought I'd have got one by now but am still working on that :D. Hopefully February should see me with a brand new camera and pow more pictures. I am going to work on my diet and exercise program this week , I'll let you guys know what the plan is. 

January is a great month for various reasons. It's my sister's birthday towards the end of the month ( I need my grand-babies soon soon from her); it's also my 1 year natural and creamy crack free anniversary. My natural hair journey has been stressful. When I did my big chop last year I didn't even know a natural beauty community existed ( so I made a lot of mistakes with my hair) . I will be doing a separate post about my hair journey soon. Finally, January is  what I like to call 'the phoenix month'. It 's all about that renewal of life and all those awesome things that encapsulate new beginnings. I can honestly say I am still as excited about the new year 21 days later. Are you?

I was just inspired to write about new beginnings. So here's my piece of Prose on the topic:

My past does not define me

Bye bye old days. old me

Hello hope, sunshine, unknown exploits.

Hello mystery

New me, you are a me I can't say I have met before.

You are 'that girl'. Stronger ,wiser

Remember that song ' you gotta be' 

You are all those things.

You are you and happy to be the person God made.

You are wonderfully made

A unique creation, made to fulfill a unique purpose

Your beauty is unlike any other because there can only ever be one you.

Bye bye old days, filled with doubt and mistakes

Mistakes, we took the lesson and left the action.

Thank you yesterday for the experiences.

We have an idea of who we are now. But my past does not define me because everyday is a new day .

Constantly being shaped and molded into the imperfect but perfect me.

Simple concepts . 

I know but sometimes we simply forget to look into that mirror and scream ' I am beautiful' 

My past does not define me ,I say again it contributes to small parts of who I am.

That's all I have for today folks. Hope You have had a lovely month and to all my University of Liverpool family good luck with your exams.

You guys will be hearing from me again soon :D So in Tiwi nerdiness.

Get your Phoenix on

Tiwi x

New Year... New start

Happy New Year everybody. It's 2 days to late ( or more O_o) but I have a policy. Only write when inspired and when  one actually has something productive to say.

Like most people I make a new year resolution list every new year. The things I set out to do most of the time are achievable goals but I never seem to achieve any of it (except for this one year when I actually managed to stop biting my nails).  This has escalated into an annoying trend of  me writing   resolutions and me never actually do anything about it . For the last 3-4 years my list has been something along the lines of : loose weight , get healthy, go on a diet, save money, cut down on shopping and so on and so on. My 2013 list is yet to be written, as I am still dealing with 2012 work load.

So like the scatter brain I can be I decided to go ahead and come up with a mini list . This year I want more than just a superficial list of things I want to do / fix about myself. I want a more versatile resolutions that will lead to some positive thinking and changes. I am looking at goals with longevity , things that lay a great foundation for my future.
 I am purposely going to do something completely new this year ( maybe mountain climbing or camping, for those who know me I'm sure your having a massive LOL at the thought of me doing either one of these activities but mehh) .

 Here is my incomplete draft  list :

• This year I want to be a less selfish person. I want to be more aware of other people's needs before mine.
• I want to learn more about humility
• Be more focused
• This year I am going to finally start loosing the weight. I will do this by documenting my weight loss on this blog.
• I want to learn more about natural health care. 
• I will change my diet this year. I want to be a healthier individual 
• I will learn new recipes this year and perfect the ones I know
• I will learn how to sew ( more like refresh my memory on how to)
• Get a job
• I will take more pictures
• I will take more calculated risks
• I will put myself out there more
• I will volunteer for a charity
• I will incorporate more neutral colours into my closet. ( believe me my rainbow closet is doing my nut in).
• Go to bible study 

Ok guys so that is all I could think of for now. . .  So what is going to be my motivation?
Well I am setting myself a blog challenge. I am going to document all these things and more right here on this blog, so prepare to be awed and a bit perplexed. This might just be the year I start vlogging :D ( calculated risk wink ,wink). I am so excited about doing this and you guys get to make this journey with me excited much? I know I am going to have fun and learn so much. Can't wait to share my chaotic world with you :D

Love you guys

Tiwi x

Let's talk about it : All men are bad.?

Bet the title made you think uh huh Tiwi is at it again. Bashing men and blah blah blah . Well keep reading you just  might be surprised...

I am sure you have heard a lot of women dish out this phrase or something similar 'All men are bad'. I'm sorry I can't join you on that bandwagon. As my Nigerian friends would say ' It is not my portion in Jesus name'.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy that there is someone for everyone. The one, soul mates, you name it. How did I become this firm believer in love and happy endings? Simple. I was once  the opposite... Yes I was the bitter one. You know the girl in the friendship group who always had something negative to say about the male species  and relationships. I was the whoa betidder  ( yes I just made up a word, I'm allowed). If you came to me about your relationship problems or men in general I had  generic answers ready to dish out: Leave him and be single forever. Men are not worth it or meeh he's male what do you expect and other colorful ones I refuse point blank to remember. Believe me, when you have been to the other side you can appreciate the optimism that come with new thinking.

I believe that women who believe that all men are bad need to take a closer look at themselves. You need to re evaluate yourself and your life if you keep attracting ' all the bad men'. One thing we often do as human beings is blame other people for our mistakes instead of taking the responsibility for our actions and choices. ( You did after all say yes before hand. He didn't kidnap you and force you to endure his badness)

To help you understand what I mean by 'self evaluation'.  I will do my own self evaluation before I changed my views on men:

I honestly believed I would never date. While all my friends were discovering boys in their teens. I was dealing with rejection from boys I 'imagined' liked me ( if I could tell you guys the stories I 'm sure you would be rolling on the floor laughing). The rejections had a major impact oh how I related with boys and men and caused a lot of confusion in my life from about 13 till I was about 17 . At 18 I washed my hands of men completely ( sniggering) and resigned to a life of spinsterhood. I didn't have the 'awkward dating when your a teen experience'. I just watched my friends go through the experience and wrote it off for myself. This was part of the of the reason why I had such a negative outlook on men. Believe me it caused a lot of unnecessary problems and depression. I felt ugly , bitter and angry.

Let me break down my life anecdote and lets evaluate where I went wrong:

1) I was painfully awkward
2) I had no confidence or self esteem and would shy away from people
3) My body language always sent out the wrong signals such as ' go away I don't like you'
4) I gave up on myself before I could even try ( Wish   I had tried)
5) I never made an effort with how I looked at all. ( Even Cinderella knew she would't bag the prince in a ragged maid clothes and dirt on her face)
6) My personality seemed off putting because I always said outrageous things ( I though it made me cool at the time... biggest mistake of my life but I've learnt from it).

Problems: It was all me. When I look back and think about how crazy I must have looked I chuckle. All these things made me very unattractive. Expecting prince charming to read through all that self destruction was really unrealistic. The problem with shedding this persona, was she was so ingrained in me it's taken years to get rid of her. To this day I'm still shedding her off.

No. I am not in love or in like at the moment. A guy didn't change my perspective on the opposite sex. In fact my brush with attempted dating/relationship has ranged from down right weird to painful and  bewildered Tiwi. I had to change on my own (ish). If you think for a second that prince charming will come on his white stallion to sweep you off  your feet before you change yourself and your thinking... then please invite me to the film premiere of the auto biography of your happily ever after. Notice such things only happen in Disney animations and rom/coms. It's harsh but we do live in a cruel world.

 This is what happened to me:

•  Firstly I found God ( Yes I keep mentioning this) but God in my life is what has been responsible for changing the way I think and my outlook on life. HE has given me hope that he is molding me for the perfect man and that my future husband is being molded for me somewhere out there. 
• I just got tired if thinking all men where this and that. I also did a simple exercise  I just turned the tables. What if ( and I know there are) some guy felt the same way I used to feel with regards to the opposite sex.
• Hope won the fight against negative Tiwi. 

Me today:

I am actually excited. I can't wait to finally be with my future husband. I want 5 kids so I hope he is prepared. I want him to be different from me. I want to learn from him and I want to teach him as well.

The number 1 thing is God should be the center of his life. The rest can follow after. I can't wait to be with him. (Yes I am that excited about a man I haven't even met yet, it's crazy).

Meanwhile, I will be working on myself. I want to know what love is ( no not the song, actual love). I want to understand marriage ( because when I say I do it will be for life) and I want to be the best person I can be for him.

In summary

Being negative about finding a good man consumes you. Because you literally fight with hope and hope doesn't desert you just like that.  The best way I can describe this is like tearing yourself into two parts. That sounds painful right? Another thing is being so negative erodes any good feelings you have about yourself, because you will be too busy thinking about 'where have all the good men gone?' ...which leaves room for vulnerability and therefore space for  all so douche baggy men to come into your life.  Another thing is if you believe so strongly that all men are bad then that is what you will get honey. There is power in the words you say and your thoughts. You will also make excuses for any waste men that manage to worm their way into your life. And they will hold on to you.

All in all you are setting  yourself up for a big painful fall. Re-evaluate yourself before you make up your mind about'all' men.

I hope someone finds this helpful. Please feel free to comment

Love

Tiwi x

Birthday month = Reflection

Hello lovely people.

I have so much to share with you. Now I think I have probably said this a couple of times. But this blog is a way of me reflecting on my life and building my character. If you don't like open honesty or reading about people's ideas on life then I suggest you stop reading now.

I turned 23 on the 1st of November ( birthdays always make me reflect on my life) . This doesn't bother me at all because my life is currently in a transition stage  ( to be honest with you guys I think we are always in transition). 2012 for me has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been full of oxymoron's. From high heights to low lows; I finally understand something  my daddy always used to say to me : 'My girl if you come out of university the same person you started as then you haven't experienced life'. It true oh. It is true.

The highlight of my life is that I finally found Jesus for real this time. I won't lie it was an exhilarating experience when it happened. But I have been struggling. 1) because I am a perfectionist and can not stand the idea of getting anything wrong and 2) It is a bit scary, I won't lie. I am scared of going wrong and when I catch myself thinking or doing the wrong thing I really feel like a failure. But one thing occurred to me. In order to grow in my faith I have got to learn how to forgive myself. God forgives me every time I get things wrong and talk to him about it. So why can't I learnt to forgive myself and learn from those experiences?

I also  realized something. I constantly talk about  us as human beings being our own worst critics and I have found that this is exactly what I was putting myself through. Whereas  part of me  used to blame other people for putting me down ,in hindsight I  realized that I was doing the bulk of the criticizing and tearing apart. Allowing myself to languish in guilt about getting anything wrong. I used to focus of the negative aspects of a bad situation now I try to see how I can work through that bad situation and learn from it; lately I have found myself smiling even when I feel like the world is crashing around me. Laughing when I am crying and enjoying small luxuries.... sun rise while I'm working on a last minute deadline.

I am also so tired of fighting with myself. These days I don't have that kind of energy to tear myself down or to take that time out to dissect  this or that behavior  I am simply just too tired for that. I have matured from that definitely ( by force yes ), it has become something I can not simply stand doing. There are just too many things going on in terms of school and just life for me to sit down and breaking myself apart.

Things i realized upon refection :

• A big part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. So you made a mistake...  beating yourself up about it will not help you. Forgiving yourself is guaranteed to help you learn something from that situation. Holding on to your mistake only holds you back.
• Don't take everything that happens in your life too personal. That requires way too much energy which you can simply invest in other aspects of your life that help you grow. You will burn out if you keep going on like that
• Changing yourself doesn't happen over night. It is a long process. Like a journey with many turns and lessons.
• don't be your own worst critic  The world does that enough for you. Be your own fan club ( without the arrogance please). Reflect on what you have achieved not the shoulda,woulda,couldas of life.

That girl

This is a poem for that girl.
That girl who smiles with her mouth and not her eyes
That girl who has so many dreams but so little faith in herself
That confused girl who forgot to leave her past behind and grow up
Or maybe she simply didn't know how to leave it. Let go and let flow.

That girl who doesn't think she is beautiful. Constantly plagued with her own insecurities and the almost impossible standards she sets out for herself.
That girl who hides those scars, those black and blue marks she claims as her only trophies
That girl who is caged behind their expectations for her
Those girls who are expected to be nothing less than a super woman.

This poem is for those girl's who are going through something.
That girl who has prevailed.
She took those plows you handed to her metaphysical being.
That girl refuses to give in. She is strong despite wanting to call it a day
She keeps on breathing
She keeps on living.
She keeps on taking those steps. One at a time.

That girl is timeless. She is an experience all women must learn.
She is your insecurities, your doubt, your lack of self confidence.
She is that weakness, that is so weak she forces you to grow in strength,
She can be your greatest weakness or your greatest  success story.

That girl... you know her. She is in every woman and girl.

African ideologies of dating, marriage and relationships in the 21st century? part 1

This is hopefully going to be an interesting post that gets people talking. I have a few questions about how Africans (including myself) look at relationships.

You are probably wondering why I am interested in this? I have been reading a few articles that made me quite angry at first. Then they made me laugh then very perplexed. 

I should probably start off by saying what I personally believe any kind of relationship between a man and a woman should entail.

A relationship to me means an equal partnership. It is a partnership that two people who love each other enter Things like mutual respect and similar beliefs should carry more weight than a woman doing the domestic cores.
 

For some naive reason I thought we live in the 21st century,  where women have rights, can get an education and therefore have a career. Therefore I assumed that the dynamics of the old age women's place is the kitchen have evolved to a system that helps both man and woman . However when I read a number of articles on 'why a lot of ..... women (mostly African countries) will never get married in their lives ever'. I was genuinely shocked and appalled ,by not only the writer but the responses from the readers. According to the article in question. Women's rights have 'destroyed' women.  I will have to quote this writer who without shame said that women having the mentality that whatever men can do women can do better is and I quote ' a lie from the devil'. Apparently we ( we being women)are all vapid and only concern with buying expensive things ( mind you this money he was referring to is money we have earned ourselves)and painting our faces. We dress too provocative and have no respect. The writer suggested that women should not have facebook or twitter because no 'respectable man' would want to marry a woman who has more than 1000 friends on facebook. Or a woman who spends her time on bbm or recieves too many phonecalls....

 This is what made me laugh the hardest : According to the article ( which I will link at the end of this) women today refuse to cook and clean , run bath water and blah blah blah for their husbands(or wanna be husband/ husband in waiting). Which is why we will never get married or get cheated on. A female reader asked if women should resort to applying our faces with Vaseline, wearing robes and being uneducated to keep a 'responsible man'. I am with her on that line because I really don't get it? Should I be wearing those dirty robes with Vaseline on my face, while standing at attention waiting for instructions from my all so knowledgeable husband and master if I want him to stick around?

I genuinely am seeking answers because the last time I checked we live in the 21st century;  Is cooking, cleaning, saluting a man with yes sir, playing down our intelligence , and helping a man achieve HIS GOALS AND DREAMS really what we as women should aim to be or do in order to get married? Is that it really?We as women have to make all the sacrifices and live according to what makes our man feel less insecure while looking like  Beyonce  ( well as less made up version) .We can't be more successful than them because we will 'not respect them'  and  we won't do our 'DUTY' as wives or prosective wives? 0_o...

Another thing that makes me laugh is how people look at marriage as if your life is over if you don't have a husband? Is it now? Is someones value as a human being really measured by marriage. I am not in any way slumming marriage . I just think people should get married for the right reasons not because society expects them to or for any kind of 'social standing'. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic but whatever happened to love and mutual respect, and similar values being what a marriage should be based on? 

Now I am not saying that women who choose to do the things I have mentioned above are wrong. That is them and if it makes them happy then so be it. However some women myself included do not want to do that. No I don't lack home training or whatever you might choose to call it. I just think that they dynamics of marriage have changed; it is not my DUTY  to cook for you and whatever you think I should be doing as a 'good little wife. It is a privileged. I want a partner not a master. If I want to do all those things for a man it should be because I want to not because I have to do in order to ensure he stays faithful to me or even sticks around. According to that article and it's responses men have wives to unburden their domestic life and provide unlimited sex 0_o.We should all return to the 7th century were women stayed at home taking care of home and child while men hunted and gathered food.

I could go on forever about this. Alas there is too much to say and this topic is inexhaustible.

Please read the article I am referring to here .

I would love to know what you guys think about the questions I have raised as well as what you think about the article.

Thank you for reading

Tiwi x

Life : Discovering yourself

Life is an interesting journey. I  believe that when we are children we are raw forms of ourselves. Untamed and innocence wrapped in a tiny body. We push the boundaries and aren't afraid to be who we are or voice our opinions. But then the world steps in, bringing with it a whole host of insecurities and self doubt we go into a stage of seeking approval from everyone but ourselves. Without realising we start living for others and not who we are ( some people never actually stop doing that)

From listening to my two teenage sisters, I can say that teenagers of today are highly plagued with too many expectations of what other people think they should be. It's sad really because you have to in essences deny who you are or some parts of yourself to be  be in with the group. Conformity can be a pain but it is necessary.

Now you are probably wondering. 'Where are you going with this Tiwi?'

The other day I came to a somewhat obvious realisation. I always used to naively believe that what people showed me was them being their true self, but upon reflection I have realised that alot of people show you a part of themselves that they only want you to see.  I think I've touched on this subject before, but alot of people wear masks. Myself included. But some people take it to the next level. When I look back on my short life I realise that alot of people who I used to believe were my friends where just showing me what I wanted to see. The good thing is people's intentions for you usual surface in the end and unluckily for me I have been back stabbed too many times to count. And like a true glutton for this kind of punishment I didn't learn my lesson the first time it happened . Every time this would happen I would block it out of my head mentally and move on. However after 22 years of taking it to the back I finally realised that I have got to stop allowing this to happen to myself. Sometimes I think that people take my openness about myself as weakness. I can be painfully brutally open sometimes and very free with my opinions. I honestly believed that everyone was like this until recently.

At this point in my life I reevaluated my life and found that people I can count as my true friends are less than a dozen people. I also realised that I have to stop being so trusting. I mean when I am open with people they use that to make me a laughing stalk. So I am done with that.Not that i'm joing thw world of fakery not at all. I am just going to do more listening than talking and I will guard what I say around people especially those that don't know me like that. On this note I can honestly say that the thought of making new friends isn't a thing I relish anymore. I am at this moment sceptical about trusting anyone alien in my life. I have met some great and honest people who I found have been through the same expierence as me. I would rather keep new people  at arms length than make an effort to try and get to know someone who will later throw everything about me back in my face. I really would love to know why people do this? It is truely beyond me...

Sometimes I really wish we were more like children. Honest and true to ourselves and those around us. I really do envy the richness of their life expierences.

I know my usual posts are somewhat happy. But this is more like one big question to myself and you guys I guess. Do I keep being myself  , open and trusting of people? or do I stop it ? I am worried that the latter will change me but to be honest I am willing to explore this option as being open in the past has allowed alot  of nonsense to happen in my life. Also by being more quiet and listening as well as observing I am perhaps learning the new skill of looking behind pretentious masks.

On that note I will end here as I can think of nothing productive to say for now.

Let me know what you think?

Tiwi x