I love me some him: A letter to my future husband

I don't know you yet but I feel like I will when we finally meet.
I don't believe in love at first sight but I hope my spirit will recognise it's soul mate when we finally meet.
Where are you now? Sometimes I like to sit here and imagine you. I imagine you teaching me something new. Well more like playfullly forcing me to try something as crazy as climbing the Himalayas mountains.(Not gonna happen boo lets start small : camping in our backyard perhaps?)
We will be different I just know it, but we will be beautiful together. And maybe you guys think I am a hopeless romantic but this is a letter to my future husband, best friend , soul mate and father of my children.
I believe that we will have that consuming love because we will both understand the source of Love that is God. God will be our center and the strong foundation of us.
You will push me to be a better I will push you in return.
We will be  one. I am not afraid to fall anymore. That being said we will walk into love with our eyes wide open not fall in love with the idea of what either one of us should be. This means that we will both realise that we are flawed human beings and accept each other's imperfections with love.
One day I will tell you the funny story about how I used to run away from you. How I didn't realise that I was allowing the world to dictate and destroy our vision of love.
You will be everything and more and I will be everything you ever dreamed of.
You will be enough for me and I will be enough for you.
It's funny because once I put God in the driver's seat I begin to pray about you and for you.
I've had this dream about you since I was 15. In this dream I see our first born  child . A beautiful baby girl, with big brown eyes and curly hair. We will love her and the rest of our brood. Have I mentioned I want 5?
Sometimes I want us to meet as soon as possible. But at the moment, I know that God is perfecting us for each other. I have so many things He needs to deal with in me.  So that I will be all you need.
I want us to be happy
I want us to be successful and most of all I want our love to grow everyday.
My ultimate gift to you is 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. I believe this is talking about our love.

Tiwi

When the pressure gets me ...

This is a little something I wrote a while back

When the pressure gets to me . My brain screams retreat, the panic button comes on and I just freeze. I don't do anything I just freeze. Motionless , clammy , sweaty, nauseous it all happens to me.
I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I know I have a God that is bigger than this, but there seems to be this un-explainable road block in my life.
I feel like life is happening all around me and I'm stagnant, not good enough, stuck
that apple in my throat is difficult to swallow. I can't even explain these emotions in words, just tears. Tears fall but the panic and stress never go. My emotions are all over the place.
I don't understand why I am so stuck here. I have things to do but I would rather read senseless books, be stuck on Facebook and tweet my life away. When. To be quite frank I don't even understand twitter.
When the pressure comes my body pays the prices, I can't sleep. It's 3 am , I am exhausted but I can't do it. I feel like I can't live life. I am irrationally angry, I eat when I am not hungry and too many heavy thoughts of what a failure I am consume me. Even my skin pays the price of the pressure.
I am tired. I do not wish to end my life I am just torn in too many directions.
To be quite frank I don't want to end up a nobody and at this rate poverty looks like she's chairing for me to be on her team.
I spend like I am a millionaire , well a lazy millionaire. I can stay in bed or hours just doing nothing. I am so tired of this my brain hurts. I just want to walk , and keep on walking.
I can't seem to get anything right . It is like I am being torn in two and nothing is going right.
There is no balance in my life. I just feel it spiraling down down down. Work ethic 0. health minus 0 everything is just wrong. i am bone tired and slowly running crazy.

Hair Diary : the beginning

I recently saw a good friend of mine's hair diary on facebook.  It reminded me of one of my resoluitons for this year which was to ' document stuff about my hair' ( I'm just paraphrasing).

Background
So my last relaxer was on the 10th of April 2011. I can honestly say that I do not miss the creamy crack which never agreed with my hair. I always used to burn and my hair was just in a state of utter rubbishness. So after my failed romance with the creamy crack I decided to never relax my hair, I had no idea that there was a whole natural hair beauties movement. I didn't know how to take care of my natural hair or anything all I knew was that I didn't want to touch relaxer ever again. What further cemented my choice was the documentary 'Good hair' by Chris rock. I believe that I have already talked about this in my big chop post.

Now I tranisted from 2011 till 2012. My hair was completely natural when I decided to BC it. However I wanted a more even look so I still went ahead and cut it. This was on the 26th of January 2012


Don't mind the dandruff ( iz natural) my baby sis hates the before picture

The funny thing about my hair is I did not initially take care of it. I went through phases of trying to take care of it and then just giving up completely. So my first year as a natural was spent in hair ignorance  I believe my hair would have been longer if I remained consistent. But I didn't. Bad hair care along with bad hair styles ( pick and drop will never see my head oh).

So fast forward today and I am more interested in my hair. I know that it is not about the length but it is about how healthy my hair is. I have learnt so much from natural hair blogs and YouTube videos. I don't have a defined regime at the moment, I am currently in motion of trying different things on my hair. I have so many products and I am loving it. I also decided to start measuring how long my hair grows from this month because I honestly can't count the times before. I think I've ranted enough let me share a few pictures of phases my hair has gone through.

this is the most recent one, i think this was my first failed attempt at a twist out or was it a wash and go. 

Fav hairstyle
 

my haor at it's longest
 

afro
 

classic I cba with this hair  moment

first time I two strand twisted my hair . I loved the result

So these are the only hair styles I have tried with my hair. Pretty standard and boring but I will be trying out some new products and hair styles. I really want to learn how to flat twist. This is just the beginning as the title says.


Until next time loves.

The Phoenix month.

Well it's nearly the end of January, not quite the end but getting there :)

I am sure that you guys have realised that I never plan my posts, I just write led by inspiration. Maybe planning is something I should try out?

This has been a busy month for me and so much has changed, for instance I finished my 3rd year dissertation ( 2 days late but mehhh). I had my one and only exam and now I'm looking forward . Next stop Singapore .Yes people I'm jetting off to Singapore ( thank you beautiful geography course for the opportunity) even thought it will be school related trip , I am still excited. I can't believe I'm graduating in July. I'm excited about the future. 

One day I might tell you my future plans but for now I will hit you guys up with my resolution progress.

So far I've tackled the cooking more food res. I couldn't document it as I'm still camera-less  Yes , yes I thought I'd have got one by now but am still working on that :D. Hopefully February should see me with a brand new camera and pow more pictures. I am going to work on my diet and exercise program this week , I'll let you guys know what the plan is. 

January is a great month for various reasons. It's my sister's birthday towards the end of the month ( I need my grand-babies soon soon from her); it's also my 1 year natural and creamy crack free anniversary. My natural hair journey has been stressful. When I did my big chop last year I didn't even know a natural beauty community existed ( so I made a lot of mistakes with my hair) . I will be doing a separate post about my hair journey soon. Finally, January is  what I like to call 'the phoenix month'. It 's all about that renewal of life and all those awesome things that encapsulate new beginnings. I can honestly say I am still as excited about the new year 21 days later. Are you?

I was just inspired to write about new beginnings. So here's my piece of Prose on the topic:

My past does not define me

Bye bye old days. old me

Hello hope, sunshine, unknown exploits.

Hello mystery

New me, you are a me I can't say I have met before.

You are 'that girl'. Stronger ,wiser

Remember that song ' you gotta be' 

You are all those things.

You are you and happy to be the person God made.

You are wonderfully made

A unique creation, made to fulfill a unique purpose

Your beauty is unlike any other because there can only ever be one you.

Bye bye old days, filled with doubt and mistakes

Mistakes, we took the lesson and left the action.

Thank you yesterday for the experiences.

We have an idea of who we are now. But my past does not define me because everyday is a new day .

Constantly being shaped and molded into the imperfect but perfect me.

Simple concepts . 

I know but sometimes we simply forget to look into that mirror and scream ' I am beautiful' 

My past does not define me ,I say again it contributes to small parts of who I am.

That's all I have for today folks. Hope You have had a lovely month and to all my University of Liverpool family good luck with your exams.

You guys will be hearing from me again soon :D So in Tiwi nerdiness.

Get your Phoenix on

Tiwi x

New Year... New start

Happy New Year everybody. It's 2 days to late ( or more O_o) but I have a policy. Only write when inspired and when  one actually has something productive to say.

Like most people I make a new year resolution list every new year. The things I set out to do most of the time are achievable goals but I never seem to achieve any of it (except for this one year when I actually managed to stop biting my nails).  This has escalated into an annoying trend of  me writing   resolutions and me never actually do anything about it . For the last 3-4 years my list has been something along the lines of : loose weight , get healthy, go on a diet, save money, cut down on shopping and so on and so on. My 2013 list is yet to be written, as I am still dealing with 2012 work load.

So like the scatter brain I can be I decided to go ahead and come up with a mini list . This year I want more than just a superficial list of things I want to do / fix about myself. I want a more versatile resolutions that will lead to some positive thinking and changes. I am looking at goals with longevity , things that lay a great foundation for my future.
 I am purposely going to do something completely new this year ( maybe mountain climbing or camping, for those who know me I'm sure your having a massive LOL at the thought of me doing either one of these activities but mehh) .

 Here is my incomplete draft  list :

• This year I want to be a less selfish person. I want to be more aware of other people's needs before mine.
• I want to learn more about humility
• Be more focused
• This year I am going to finally start loosing the weight. I will do this by documenting my weight loss on this blog.
• I want to learn more about natural health care. 
• I will change my diet this year. I want to be a healthier individual 
• I will learn new recipes this year and perfect the ones I know
• I will learn how to sew ( more like refresh my memory on how to)
• Get a job
• I will take more pictures
• I will take more calculated risks
• I will put myself out there more
• I will volunteer for a charity
• I will incorporate more neutral colours into my closet. ( believe me my rainbow closet is doing my nut in).
• Go to bible study 

Ok guys so that is all I could think of for now. . .  So what is going to be my motivation?
Well I am setting myself a blog challenge. I am going to document all these things and more right here on this blog, so prepare to be awed and a bit perplexed. This might just be the year I start vlogging :D ( calculated risk wink ,wink). I am so excited about doing this and you guys get to make this journey with me excited much? I know I am going to have fun and learn so much. Can't wait to share my chaotic world with you :D

Love you guys

Tiwi x

Let's talk about it : All men are bad.?

Bet the title made you think uh huh Tiwi is at it again. Bashing men and blah blah blah . Well keep reading you just  might be surprised...

I am sure you have heard a lot of women dish out this phrase or something similar 'All men are bad'. I'm sorry I can't join you on that bandwagon. As my Nigerian friends would say ' It is not my portion in Jesus name'.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy that there is someone for everyone. The one, soul mates, you name it. How did I become this firm believer in love and happy endings? Simple. I was once  the opposite... Yes I was the bitter one. You know the girl in the friendship group who always had something negative to say about the male species  and relationships. I was the whoa betidder  ( yes I just made up a word, I'm allowed). If you came to me about your relationship problems or men in general I had  generic answers ready to dish out: Leave him and be single forever. Men are not worth it or meeh he's male what do you expect and other colorful ones I refuse point blank to remember. Believe me, when you have been to the other side you can appreciate the optimism that come with new thinking.

I believe that women who believe that all men are bad need to take a closer look at themselves. You need to re evaluate yourself and your life if you keep attracting ' all the bad men'. One thing we often do as human beings is blame other people for our mistakes instead of taking the responsibility for our actions and choices. ( You did after all say yes before hand. He didn't kidnap you and force you to endure his badness)

To help you understand what I mean by 'self evaluation'.  I will do my own self evaluation before I changed my views on men:

I honestly believed I would never date. While all my friends were discovering boys in their teens. I was dealing with rejection from boys I 'imagined' liked me ( if I could tell you guys the stories I 'm sure you would be rolling on the floor laughing). The rejections had a major impact oh how I related with boys and men and caused a lot of confusion in my life from about 13 till I was about 17 . At 18 I washed my hands of men completely ( sniggering) and resigned to a life of spinsterhood. I didn't have the 'awkward dating when your a teen experience'. I just watched my friends go through the experience and wrote it off for myself. This was part of the of the reason why I had such a negative outlook on men. Believe me it caused a lot of unnecessary problems and depression. I felt ugly , bitter and angry.

Let me break down my life anecdote and lets evaluate where I went wrong:

1) I was painfully awkward
2) I had no confidence or self esteem and would shy away from people
3) My body language always sent out the wrong signals such as ' go away I don't like you'
4) I gave up on myself before I could even try ( Wish   I had tried)
5) I never made an effort with how I looked at all. ( Even Cinderella knew she would't bag the prince in a ragged maid clothes and dirt on her face)
6) My personality seemed off putting because I always said outrageous things ( I though it made me cool at the time... biggest mistake of my life but I've learnt from it).

Problems: It was all me. When I look back and think about how crazy I must have looked I chuckle. All these things made me very unattractive. Expecting prince charming to read through all that self destruction was really unrealistic. The problem with shedding this persona, was she was so ingrained in me it's taken years to get rid of her. To this day I'm still shedding her off.

No. I am not in love or in like at the moment. A guy didn't change my perspective on the opposite sex. In fact my brush with attempted dating/relationship has ranged from down right weird to painful and  bewildered Tiwi. I had to change on my own (ish). If you think for a second that prince charming will come on his white stallion to sweep you off  your feet before you change yourself and your thinking... then please invite me to the film premiere of the auto biography of your happily ever after. Notice such things only happen in Disney animations and rom/coms. It's harsh but we do live in a cruel world.

 This is what happened to me:

•  Firstly I found God ( Yes I keep mentioning this) but God in my life is what has been responsible for changing the way I think and my outlook on life. HE has given me hope that he is molding me for the perfect man and that my future husband is being molded for me somewhere out there. 
• I just got tired if thinking all men where this and that. I also did a simple exercise  I just turned the tables. What if ( and I know there are) some guy felt the same way I used to feel with regards to the opposite sex.
• Hope won the fight against negative Tiwi. 

Me today:

I am actually excited. I can't wait to finally be with my future husband. I want 5 kids so I hope he is prepared. I want him to be different from me. I want to learn from him and I want to teach him as well.

The number 1 thing is God should be the center of his life. The rest can follow after. I can't wait to be with him. (Yes I am that excited about a man I haven't even met yet, it's crazy).

Meanwhile, I will be working on myself. I want to know what love is ( no not the song, actual love). I want to understand marriage ( because when I say I do it will be for life) and I want to be the best person I can be for him.

In summary

Being negative about finding a good man consumes you. Because you literally fight with hope and hope doesn't desert you just like that.  The best way I can describe this is like tearing yourself into two parts. That sounds painful right? Another thing is being so negative erodes any good feelings you have about yourself, because you will be too busy thinking about 'where have all the good men gone?' ...which leaves room for vulnerability and therefore space for  all so douche baggy men to come into your life.  Another thing is if you believe so strongly that all men are bad then that is what you will get honey. There is power in the words you say and your thoughts. You will also make excuses for any waste men that manage to worm their way into your life. And they will hold on to you.

All in all you are setting  yourself up for a big painful fall. Re-evaluate yourself before you make up your mind about'all' men.

I hope someone finds this helpful. Please feel free to comment

Love

Tiwi x

Birthday month = Reflection

Hello lovely people.

I have so much to share with you. Now I think I have probably said this a couple of times. But this blog is a way of me reflecting on my life and building my character. If you don't like open honesty or reading about people's ideas on life then I suggest you stop reading now.

I turned 23 on the 1st of November ( birthdays always make me reflect on my life) . This doesn't bother me at all because my life is currently in a transition stage  ( to be honest with you guys I think we are always in transition). 2012 for me has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been full of oxymoron's. From high heights to low lows; I finally understand something  my daddy always used to say to me : 'My girl if you come out of university the same person you started as then you haven't experienced life'. It true oh. It is true.

The highlight of my life is that I finally found Jesus for real this time. I won't lie it was an exhilarating experience when it happened. But I have been struggling. 1) because I am a perfectionist and can not stand the idea of getting anything wrong and 2) It is a bit scary, I won't lie. I am scared of going wrong and when I catch myself thinking or doing the wrong thing I really feel like a failure. But one thing occurred to me. In order to grow in my faith I have got to learn how to forgive myself. God forgives me every time I get things wrong and talk to him about it. So why can't I learnt to forgive myself and learn from those experiences?

I also  realized something. I constantly talk about  us as human beings being our own worst critics and I have found that this is exactly what I was putting myself through. Whereas  part of me  used to blame other people for putting me down ,in hindsight I  realized that I was doing the bulk of the criticizing and tearing apart. Allowing myself to languish in guilt about getting anything wrong. I used to focus of the negative aspects of a bad situation now I try to see how I can work through that bad situation and learn from it; lately I have found myself smiling even when I feel like the world is crashing around me. Laughing when I am crying and enjoying small luxuries.... sun rise while I'm working on a last minute deadline.

I am also so tired of fighting with myself. These days I don't have that kind of energy to tear myself down or to take that time out to dissect  this or that behavior  I am simply just too tired for that. I have matured from that definitely ( by force yes ), it has become something I can not simply stand doing. There are just too many things going on in terms of school and just life for me to sit down and breaking myself apart.

Things i realized upon refection :

• A big part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. So you made a mistake...  beating yourself up about it will not help you. Forgiving yourself is guaranteed to help you learn something from that situation. Holding on to your mistake only holds you back.
• Don't take everything that happens in your life too personal. That requires way too much energy which you can simply invest in other aspects of your life that help you grow. You will burn out if you keep going on like that
• Changing yourself doesn't happen over night. It is a long process. Like a journey with many turns and lessons.
• don't be your own worst critic  The world does that enough for you. Be your own fan club ( without the arrogance please). Reflect on what you have achieved not the shoulda,woulda,couldas of life.